Oh, the things I've learned!

Everyone should get married! LOL! Just kidding...seriously, though! You think you have your life figured out and a good sense of self as you go along through life and then you get married...BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE! It's like taking a stroll through the DSM IV and learning that you have Dissociative Identity Disorder!!

Dissociative identity disorder (DID), also known as multiple personality disorder, is a mental disorder characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person's behavior, and is accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

Let me just tell you! I am no stranger to this ailment! On one hand I am a rational, confident, intelligent woman. And then, in the blink of an eye, I turn into this irrational, insecure, whiny, petulant 5-yr-old who insists on getting her way no matter the cost to the people around her.  (I refer to her in 3rd person b/c I refuse to accept her as a true part of me!)  My family would probably disagree with me, but I like to think that the first one is my true personality and the other is some by-product of not getting enough rest!

In all sincerity, I recognize that the 5-yr-old is a part of me and she does not know how to rationalize and gets her feelings hurt very easily and it has taken quite the learning curve to talk her out her tantrums at times! When she gets worked up b/c of some perceived slight or she's tired or b/c something didn't go her way, she can turn into this little ball of venomous acid that festers in my heart and comes out in one of two forms: a raging maniac spewing her venom at whomever may be in her path (usually, Andy), or the ice queen who shuts everyone one out and freezes anyone who comes into contact with her (usually, Andy).  NOT GOOD, people! NOT GOOD!  I am blessed to have a husband who is so patient with me and understands me enough to give me space when I'm working to calm her down and the armor in place to withstand her when she lashes out or freezes him out. (Thankfully, I'm able to talk her down 98% of the time and she's only unleashed one him a couple of times!)

When they say marriage is hard work, they weren't kidding! I am hard work, people! Andy has had to make so many adjustments while learning to live with me! The man is a saint! LOL!  The more I look back at who I was before and who I am now, I am beyond grateful that God knew me so well that he made my man perfectly suited for my strengths and weaknesses! Talk about a refining fire for Andy!

So here's my list of things I have learned about myself over this past year as a result of our marriage:

1. I had latent Martha Stewart tendencies and they flourished under the right environmental circumstances; marriage. Who knew?! The semi-lazy tomboy in me has faded to the background a bit and Type-A Holly Homemaker has come out in full force!

2. I love to cook! (This is totally separate from the latent Martha Stewart tendency.)  I will look at my pantry, see what's available, and produce something I never would have dreamed of making for myself in a million years.  But I'll plate it and 9 times out of 10, Andy loves it! (There have been a few food bombs sprinkled throughout the year...which he still eats and, thanks me!)

3. I am more financially responsible that I ever thought possible for myself!  Dave Ramsey would label me the nerd of our relationship.  I never dreamed that I could manage our finances on any level, let alone manage to keep track of them like I have. Andy and I make quite the team trying to keep everything balanced and juggled as well as we have!

4. There are actual maternal instincts buried deep within me that are moving to the surface.  Having Diesel in my life was a definite step in the right direction to having kids. If you can manage to keep a dog alive and healthy then you are headed in the right direction for having a child!

5. Finally, I still have a lot of growing up to do! Who knew!? (Probably my parents!)  After being single for so long, I had become very selfish and expected things to be a certain way (my way, of course) and that's just how it worked. That is not the case when you have another person in your life for whom you are responsible.  I may not feel like making Andy dinner one night, but he has worked a long shift and probably has not had the opportunity to have a proper meal all day. So I have to put my big-girl panties on and make him dinner b/c he needs it!  He depends on me for it and I've committed to take care of him whether that little 5-yr-old in me feels like it that day or not!

Growing pains? Maybe. But here's the thing: I love Andy.  I love taking care of him.  I love that Yahweh reminds me everyday of the blessing He gave me in Andy.  I love that Andy is the kind of man that thanks me for taking care of him.  I love that he puts up with the 'crazy'.  I love that he makes me smile just thinking about him.  I love that he goes to a job everyday (whether he likes his job or not), in order to provide for our family.  I am proud to be his wife. I am proud to stand next to him and watch him charm people around him.  I am proud of the man he is and the man he's striving to be.  I am proud that he longs to have a better relationship with Yahweh and to know Him better.

Andy sharpens me almost everyday and challenges me to be a better person; whether he realizes it or not! Is everything perfect? NOPE! But it sure is interesting! And the more I learn about myself, the more I thank Yahweh for giving me Andy who complements all parts of me; good and bad.

Yahweh is good! All the time! (Even/especially when the 5-yr-old in me is not!)

Isaac...and then some! (complete with pictures!)

Please don't judge me! (or Andy, for that matter!) We kinda feel like we missed out on something by not experiencing Isaac firsthand.  I know! I know! It's warped.  A lot of people, like us, evacuated and were determined to make the best of the situation by considering it a HURRICATION. I mean, Isaac was only supposed to be an interruption in our week.  Boy was it not!

I did my normal grocery shopping on Saturday. On Sunday, our pastor mentioned the possibility of having to evacuate. Andy and I were so not prepared for that possibility! Thankfully, Chad coached us on evacuating after the service; he told us to stock up on water, grab a cooler, and fill up the truck just in case we did have to evacuate.  Thankfully, due to shopping at Winn Dixie, we had built up some gas credits and wound up saving a $1.05 per gallon of gas (which was over $20 savings)!
We didn't really start packing that day because we had already planned to have friends over for dinner and we decided to honor that time.  This was good b/c it was a really great time of fellowship and just hanging out, making new friends.
The next day was a whole new story! The campus administration was trying to determine if they were going to cancel classes, have a mandatory evacuation, or whathaveyou based on the mayor's position and how Isaac was tracking.  The rest of us were on pins and needles trying to determine our next move. For Andy and I it boiled down to whether or not his dealership was going to close; if they didn't, we weren't going anywhere.  Turns out, Andy came home early that day b/c he was in a lot of pain and they were closing until Thursday.  By that time, the seminary had also decided to close until Thursday. Suzanne let me bug out early and the race was on! We had already decided that if we were bugging out (aka: evacuating), that we would leave at 8 p.m. to avoid some traffic. I say 'some' b/c avoiding traffic overall was not a possibility.
Packing quickly became interesting b/c Andy had a pinched nerve in his back and was unable to bend, twist, or move quickly. The poor thing was relegated to resting on a heating pad! If you know me at all, you know that I had my list of things that absolutely had to be done before we left and I made quick work of busting my way through it! Thankfully, I had not had time to do laundry so packing our suitcase only took 5 minutes! LOL! The rest was stuffed into the laundry baskets in the hopes that my mom would let us do laundry (which, of course she did!).  Also, even though we expected to be gone for only a few days, we were asked to either take everything with us or get it ready to be disposed of in case of a long-term power failure.

                                          
SO, having just grocery shopped, I asked a friend to come over and help me pack up the fridge into our two coolers.  Turns out, not a wholly bad idea! I was able to purge some old stuff and clean it out (after we got back, of course!).  Props to Isaac for forcing me to clean out my fridge!
In the midst of all of this my knee started to flare up which makes it night impossible to make it up and down three flights of stairs alone, much less carrying anything.  Thankfully, I called for backup and they were awesome! I owe Dean, Krissy, and Laura BIG TIME!  They hauled everything down for us and then hauled our bikes up so they wouldn't become weapons to wreak havoc. We covered the entertainment center with the comforter, unplugged everything, and left our home for who-knew how long. It was a bit rough for me b/c, although I know things can always be replace, this is our first home.  The chances of our things being damaged were minimal b/c we are on the 3rd floor, but Isaac had too many surprises to be sure of anything.  So we headed out of campus, topped off the tank, had a quick bite to eat, and headed out on the road into a gorgeous sunset!

They were in a hurry!

The trip up was relatively uneventful, which is a good thing!  We passed 3 National Guard convoys headed the other way to help out wherever they were called to help.  It was so cool to know that our city was in such good hands (and so many hands!).  Andy was only able to manage the 2 hours to Lafayette before his back flared up and we switched. We got to my parents' house at precisely 4 am; one whole hour before we expected to arrive!  Mom and I unpacked the coolers while Andy went to lay down.  Now you'd think, at this point, we would be completely exhausted and ready to crash, hard.  This was not the case! It took us almost 2 hours to fall asleep! OY! Thankfully, my parents were gracious and let us sleep in!
The first part of the week was spent resting, watching the weather channel, looking for updates from the campus and Ford, and enjoying having no responsibilities! I even got the opportunity to detail the inside of our XTerra (which was so desperately needed!).  Mom and dad took such great care of us and spoiled us with attention and food and LOVE!  It was restful and we both got some medical attention we needed as well as time to unwind and relax.  Wednesday night, my sweet friend Shellie had come to visit since she was only 2 hours away in Dallas! It was so good to see someone from home!  We only had a little time to catch up, but it was sweet and made me realize how much I missed her! Hopefully, we'll be able to follow through with plans for New Years!!!

Mom n me catchin some rays!

By Friday, we were anxiously looking for updates about whether or not it was okay to return, how our friends who'd had stayed were, and what was going on with Veteran's Ford. One of Andy's customers bought a car "from him" that day, even though the dealership wasn't officially open! LOL! (Hey, I'm not complaining! It's income!)  We finally decided to head home Sunday morning whether we got the go ahead from the campus or not. We figured the dealership would be open for the Monday holiday and Andy needed to get back to work.  Saturday morning we had breakfast at a sweet diner.  I had been craving waffles, so I ordered one and got a fun surprise! And then, after a futile first attempt to get their boat in the water, mom and dad treated us to an afternoon tour of Lake Palestine. Man, it was beautiful! What a gorgeous place to live!
After our afternoon in the refreshing sun and wind, a trip to Dallas was in order to reconnect with Andy's friends Saturday night, James and Stephanie! They treated us to a great Mediterranean dinner and fun was had by all! It did Andy's heart so much good to connect with old friends who are basically family and I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know them!

(Don't let the picture fool you! He was HUGE!)

The fun continued on the way home after we switched drivers in Canton! I was going along peacefully down the 2-lane road at the speed limit (No, really! It was way too dark to be speeding!) and then, from seemingly nowhere, a Texas hog came trotting across the highway! I actually came within a split-second of hitting him!  And to make matters worse, there was an on-coming car I also had to avoid! There had not been a car on the road for quite some time.  Andy had fallen asleep so when I jerked to the right, he flew up and kept telling me I was okay and that I'd done great. It scared the bajeebers out of me! Thankfully, we'd made it home safely and without further incident!
The next morning we got up 'early' and repacked the coolers, the truck, our freshly cleaned laundry (THANKS, MOM!!!), and new stack of books (THANKS, DAD!!!).  It was tougher than I thought it would be to say good-bye.  We had thoroughly enjoyed our time with them, but were anxious to get home and get back to work...but, I hate saying goodbye to my parents!  I know, I'm a baby.  Correction: I am the baby, so it's okay for me! ;)

It got much worse!

Andy drove the whole way home and the only detour we had to take was already planned due to the flooding in La Place (west of the city). We ended up taking the north route to the North Shore and came down on the Causeway.  It was relatively uneventful except for the love bug massacre that was taking place all around us.  We had to pull over at one point to wash the windshield b/c Andy could barely see out it anymore! Then it started to rain right along with the bugs! So for a short time we had water and bugs slapping into the windshield! LOL!  The trip over the Causeway was eerie b/c we only saw one boat on the ENTIRE lake! The water was riddled with tree debris, but it was so placid that it was just surreal.  I've never seen a lake that large be so flat; especially in the middle.  A quick tour of some of our surrounding neighborhoods showed mostly tree debris being collected or trees being mulched b/c they had been uprooted. The same was true for the campus. There were shutters ripped off, several large trees had fallen, and there was tree debris everywhere but the power was back on and we were good to move back in!

Security hazard for the campus...

All in all, it wasn't a bad experience! But then, we didn't stay to ride it out.  Many of our friends and neighbors lost part if not all of the food from the power outage.  There were at least 3 deaths related to Isaac.  Hundreds of thousands were without power for days.  Hundreds of people lost everything.  We feel blessed to only have lost a week of work and part of our food.
This was an adventure we hope we don't have to repeat too many times, and we are thankful that both of our parents were able to support us and that our friends and family were praying us through the week!

It's been too long!! Over a year's worth look back!

After a lot of down time in these weeks before school starts, I have been contemplating the last year of my life, actually our lives, and trying to determine what to make of the whole thing.

Andy and I had, what could be referred to as a ‘whirlwind’ romance! We met on the Sunday before I was headed to NOLA for Preview Weekend to determine if the seminary was really God’s calling for me (which it was). Almost immediately, he was looking for jobs in the NOLA area. By Saturday he’d asked me to officially be his girlfriend.  When I came home the following Tuesday, I was standing in Louis Armstrong Airport with my mom terrified that he might have built me up in his head and when he saw me, he’d change his mind altogether. Mom assured me that if this was the man God intended for me, that I would know b/c that’s what I’d asked Him for; calm assurance.  Sure enough, he picked me up at BWI and whisked me off to dinner at a cute little Italian restaurant in Baltimore.  As I was looking at him from across the table, I knew. I knew with calm assurance that I was going to marry this man. Two weeks later, we were in La Madeleine and the subject came up. At that point, we both knew and started to decide how it could work with my move to NOLA. And the rest was CAH-RAZY! My folks had invited him to visit on my trip to TX to store some of my things at their house and ‘transfer custody’ of my baby, Diesel. He worked out some crazy schedule, used up all his leave time, and we were off to TX.

It has been said that a good test for a relationship is to take a long distance road trip together; if you survive that, you’ll probably make it! We had a blast! It was a great time of teamwork and getting to know each other better.  After receiving my dad’s blessing (and coming home with the wedding retinue purchased, courtesy of my parents!), we were well on our way. Two weeks later, Andy asked me to go to the Nationals vs. Orioles’ game and proposed to me during the 7^th inning stretch! He was so excited that the ring literally jumped out of the case!  This was the start of a pretty amazing sprint for wedding planning.  We found an awesome venue (Thanks Celebrations at the Bay!) that took care of most of the details with only 2 visits required from us to handle details.  My close friend, Shellie, was my indispensable wing woman with all the rest! My oldest sister found the bridesmaid dresses, Andy’s guys outfits were super simple, and our parents found their own outfits based from our vague “whatever you’re comfortable in” instructions. (Although, I did find out that my oldest niece found my mom’s dress. Thanks Dee!)  Two of my closest friends in Idaho agreed to come out and photograph the wedding and reception (b/c Jill and Deborah rock!).  And most of my sisters and best friend were my bridesmaids. It was so crazy close that we could not expect to have all of our family and long-distance friends there, but we were so excited for the people who could come!

Most of the week of the wedding is now a blur b/c we were not only receiving out-of-town guests and family; we were also attempting to pack up all of our worldly possessions for the move (which proved to be harrowing!), arrange for transport for our bicycles, Andy’s motorcycle, and Andy’s Camaro (which was taken to FL by Andy’s parents on an auto train b/c they were so AWESOME to store it for us for awhile, Thanks Bob and Jill!). In addition to ‘move packing’ we had to pack for our honeymoon and try to say good-bye to all of our friends and family we were leaving in MD. 

Our wedding day was perfect! It was exactly what we wanted (okay, minus +100 deg  weather) and, with only a few minor exceptions, it went off without a hitch! We loaded up into the town car and were whisked off to our hotel in DC where we would try to get some rest before our early flight to Maui the next morning!

Our two weeks in Maui were also perfect! We snorkeled, drove all over the countryside, shopped, took a catamaran cruise, swam in the ocean, I overcame my fear of heights by zip-lining, saw Uncle Willie K in concert, ate A LOT of good food, visited a beautiful lavender farm, drove to the top of Mt. Wannahockaloogie (actually, I think it’s Haleakala), and generally just enjoyed being together!  It ended with a trip to Lubbock to celebrate our niece and new nephew’s, Dee and Drew, wedding! Which then became a trip to Flint to pick up our trucks from my parent’s (who so AMAZINGLY offered to drive them from MD so we could maximize our two-week honeymoon, thanks Mom and Dad!). We opened gifts and then packed up our suitcases and headed down to NOLA for yet another adventure of unpacking into our new apartment.

I was the first to arrive in the apartment and I have to confess…I cried! It was SO SMALL and it was not at all like the schematics that were online!  Thankfully, my parents stayed for a few days and helped us move in as much as they could.  Actually, I should say they helped Andy as much as they could b/c I was off to Orientation and all of the business of becoming a new student. A few weeks after we got here, Andy got a job as a lineman at the local airport and, for awhile, had fun being part of an environment with which he was familiar in the Air Force! He got to see a lot of big named people come through and hang out with some military pilots that passed through during training exercises.

My first semester was pretty incredible! I was taking Old Testament Survey, Adolescent Psychology, History of Christianity-Reformation to Modern, and Spiritual Formations.  This was a relatively reasonable start to my Masters education.  I was challenged in my knowledge of the Bible like I have never been before! (Which was why I came here in the first place!) My OT professor, Dr. England, pushed me harder than I’ve ever been pushed academically and spiritually!! He gave some of his class time and some of his office time to help me walk a bit more thoroughly through what I was learning and test my previous, error-filled theology.  My mentor, Dr. Jackson, opened my eyes to some of my own family dynamics and personal development in AdPsych. It was kinda cool to learn how birth order can affect a teenagers personality and how most of it doesn’t apply to me because I am an only, youngest, and middle child all-in-one!  My favorite part of that semester was coming home and sharing everything I was learning with Andy!!! I would be reading something in a textbook and then question him about his view or ask for clarification on a construct with which I was struggling; 2 hours later I had to force myself to get back to my reading so I was prepared for class the next day! 

We were blessed to have a visit from both sets of parents during the fall break and I got the benefit of my dad and Bob reading through my OT mid-term and helping me to ensure they were coherent! LOL! Thanksgiving was with my parents and little brother and his family in TX! (We also got to visit our groomsman, Chris Kissell, in Dallas for awhile!) We also got to Christmas came quickly and we got to celebrate with Andy’s folks again. It’s always fun to figure out the holidays during your first year of marriage! Each person comes to the relationship with traditions and preferences and the joy (or frustration, whichever way you choose to handle it!) is in blending the two and/or coming up with your own traditions!  Andy and I had fun with it!  Adding to the fun was spending New Years with our neighbor friends, Garth and Lori! What a way to bring in the New Year!

I had the privilege of working for Dr. Jackson during the Youth Ministry Institute Conference in January as his note-taker. What a great opportunity to listen to a variety of speakers whose love of teenagers was readily apparent in everything they AND to make a new friend! Mary Margaret was such a blessing to me going into my spring semester and an EXCELLENT walking partner! Speaking of the new semester, I took Hermeneutics, Youth Culture, History of Christianity: Early Church to Reformation, and Spiritual Formations 2. This was a much harder semester because I was being pushed a bit further in my understanding of how to study the Bible. Also, my theology was tested and stretched! It is amazing how much I thought I knew about the Bible, God, and all things related to the two. I am humbled by my arrogance.  It challenged my understanding of God’s grace and discipline, as well as pushed me to overcome some long-held untruths about God’s relationship with man.  By the end of the semester I was emotionally and spiritually drained; but not in a bad way! Mostly in the sense that I needed a break! LOL!

I had already decided not to take summer courses as a result of that need for a break and it turned out to be a good decision because Andy was unexpectedly fired from his job at the beginning of the summer! There was no warning and seemingly no provocation; which, as it turns out, is not necessary in LA because it is an ‘at-will’ state. WHO KNEW?! Thankfully, after a day or two spent online applying for jobs and submitting his resume at various locations, Andy remembered a contact he’d made at a local FORD dealership. After sending him home to talk to me about the hours and ensuring I would be okay with the long hours, Andy accepted the position as a salesman! He finished his training in under 6 days (which was a record), and has been learning his new trade over the summer.  While it has its ups and downs, he seems to enjoy meeting new people all the time.  It has a taken a LOT to adjust to an unpredictable paycheck, no income for the first month, trying to catch up on overdue bills, and learning to live with much less than we have had to so far. But Yahweh has been faithful, our families have been faithful, and we have striven (with difficulty at times) to remain faithful to this new lifestyle. 

It looked like this strain would mean me not being able to take classes this semester, but Yahweh provided in HUGE ways this summer and has made it possible for me to register for classes and not have an unmanageable bill every month! Praise Him!! 

And so, I begin this semester with much excitement and a little nervousness!!!  Yahweh is good and he proves himself to be trustworthy and able to care for all my needs, and sometimes my wants, no matter how much I worry. 

Questions, Questions, and more Questions

We're on Spring Break. You'd think this would be a "WOOHOO!! Spring BREAK!!" kind of break but it hasn't been. I've been in a funk for over a week now and I've considered it to be a bad thing until I did some thinking in the last 2 days. It seems that when I walk away from my History of Early Christianity and Biblical Hermeneutics classes I am leaving with more questions than answers.  When I go through the readings for both of them I am caught (most of the time) in the intricacies of things I've never thought of before, and have never been challenged on before.  Now I feel as though I'm questioning everything as though I'm a new believer in Christ.  This has been a bit unsettling since I've been a believer for most of my life.  Sadly, I haven't asked, nor have I been asked few of the questions I am now pondering.

At times, they make my head spin because the answers seem so circular.  At one point a few weeks ago I was even questioning my faith. Thankfully, a long and blunt conversation with Dr. England cleared that up for me. As I have pondered some of my questions over the past few days, it finally hit me: I have no answers right now.  If a lost person were to ask me these questions, I would have no response! That's scary! Me. A lifelong believer. And I have no answers...yet. The fun part about being here and having such open access to scholars like my professors is that they are willing to give up their time (yes, sometimes their class time) to address such questions in order for us to be stronger and more confident in what we believe.  This is not a bad thing. Coming away with more questions just means there's more I have to learn.  It means that for the first time in a long time or maybe ever, this lifelong believer is being pushed to ponder the hard questions and learning to defend what she believes.

So here are some of my ponderings over the past few months (in particular order of urgency):

          - Was Jesus really a rabbi or was that a moniker given to him because of his apparent wisdom?

          - As New Testament Christians, are we supposed to continue following the Torah? Not the                     sacrifices, because those were made obsolete with Christ's sacrifice.  If we are, why aren't                   we doing it? If we aren't doing it, does that mean we are deliberately or unintentionally                       disobeying God?

          - If we have been disobeying God by not following Torah, why would he allow this to continue             for over 2,000 years? Is this the God we love and worship and serve?

          - Does the modern, or post-modern, church perform the Lord's Supper as Jesus intended it?
            Shouldn't it look more like the Passover meal? Or was it only using elements of the
            Passover Meal?

          - Why do we meet every week at a building en masse? Shouldn't we be meeting in smaller
            groups regularly and then only come to 'the church' once a quarter or twice a year? (Simply
            looking at the early church and how they functioned.)  Have we lost some of the salience of
            experiencing God on a corporate level because we simply "do" church every week?

          - Which Bible should we be reading: the Hebrew Bible (which is to be organized more
            cohesively and chronologically) or the "regular" Bible (the one we have always read)?

So. Yeah. Some heavy stuff in there, but the good thing is that I do have answers to some of them. The rest....well, it's a work in progress. 

As Dr. England has taught me from the very first day of Old Testament Survey, "What does the text say?" So, my search continues in God's word and with the help of Andy and some verrrry helpful professors!

Two significant conversations

In the last two weeks I've asked two professors if I could meet with them to calm some fears and concerns I've been having.

One was with my mentor, Dr. Allen Jackson, and the other was Dr. Archie England.  Dr. Jackson in the guy in Student Ministry and Dr. England is an Old Testament and Hebrew professor. These two men have had such a profound effect on my personal and spiritual life and it's difficult to explain how much I value their insights and knowledge.

In a way, I think I needed someone I respect as a spiritual leader to tell me it was okay (or, give me permission) for my heart to be devoted to Andy right now and to learn how to serve him as his new wife.  I have spent my entire adult life serving my own needs and serving the church through student ministry.  It absorbed every part of my heart and it was enjoyable to strive to teach teenagers about Christ and the plan he has for their lives.

But, after meeting Andy, I found my heart divided for the first time and felt guilty that I couldn't wait for youth activities to be over so I could spend time with him.  Then, when we moved to NOLA and I found myself not wanting to serve in the church right away, I felt guilty for not serving in the church.  I shared my concerns with Dr. Jackson and he assured me that it was perfectly normal for my heart to be devoted to my husband; that's how God designed marriage! This season in our lives is about learning to be one where before, we were two.  That is a monumental task in of itself! Dr. J assured me that my heart was in the right place and that, when I was ready, my heart would be nudged at to serve again.  What's cool is that I am learning my priorities as a person devoted to serving Christ: God > Husband > Church...in that order.

My second conversation with Dr. England was this afternoon and it dispelled a lot of questions that have arisen during conversations with Andy.  Probably for the first time in my adult life, I am being pushed to think about aspects of my faith that I have never ventured to even consider or never dared to question before.  In all honesty, my faith was a bit shaken this week when these questions arose; but Dr. England was readily available to help me wade through them and work my way back to the truth. The fun part was realizing that I knew more than I thought I did about each question but I had gotten so caught up in the emotion of it all, that the knowledge was put on the back burner.

Through the course of our conversation Dr. England repeatedly reminded me to "Go back to the text. What does the text say?" And we did; we repeatedly dug in the Word to discover what God said about each concern. It was very comforting to read God's word in such a manner!

As a result of my training in church history, Old Testament Survey, and my relationships with these two godly men I am beginning to grasp "the big picture" that is this life in Christ. It is static, ever-changing, fluid, and messy. But I am taking comfort in the knowledge that I have absolute truth in God's holy word.  No matter my situations, he has given me direction and stability in him and his son, Jesus.  THAT is my comfort. THAT is my point of reference. Anytime I look elsewhere, I sink (much like Peter!). When I set my eyes on Jesus and look to his word for guidance,I will never be swayed.  May I never lose sight of that!

A change?

This Sunday, our pastor preached on the brokenness of communities, families, and individuals. His premise was that this brokenness is merely symptomatic of a problem with the heart (Mark 7). This heart problem begins with the individual and our sin natures. In our base natures we are selfish, vain, lazy, and self-seeking.  He read in Deuteronomy 11 about the phylacteries used in Judaism to carry out the command to have our lives completely surrounded with the commands of God  by binding them on our arms and our heads and to teach them to our children.  Scripture should be such a part of our lives that we are constantly thinking of God's commands and his promises.  Chad's powerful, but not judgmental, charge to the men of the church was the responsibility of leading their families in true Biblical meditation (filling our minds with God's word, not emptying them completely as taught in Eastern mediation). Psalm 1 tells us what this looks like; thinking about God's word day and night. When we do this, they remain on our hearts and minds even when do not have the physical scriptures in hand.  At the closing of the service, he opened the altar for response from the people to come forward and pray for God's guidance, conviction to meditate, and to render our hearts to God in order to be closer to him.

In obedience to what God was impressing upon his heart, Andy took my hand and we went forward and prayed together for God to lead our home and instill within us this desire to read his word, to meditate on it, and to make it such a part of our lives that we cannot live out our lives without spending time with him. God spoke through Chad to us as a couple by saying, "maybe it's that you are struggling as a couple for loving the things of this world instead of Jesus"; "maybe it's that you are feeling lead to serve in the church and you want to ask God for leading on that". As we went forward I was moved by Andy's willingness to humble himself and ask all of that from God.

The lingering movement in my soul through this sermon was anunexpected answer to prayer that God has gifted to me.  I have longed to return to that life of soaking in God's word and letting it settle into my bones.  Since my brother's death, my heart has been through a meat grinder and the result has been a hodgepodge of existence in which I struggle to even have a prayer life with my Savior, much less soaking in his word.  I virtually coined the phrase 'I want to want to study, but it's just not there!' but the drive seemed to have disappeared. But in my further reading of The Me I Want to Be by Foster, I am learning that striving and trying to do this on my own is impossible.  I do not have the willpower to exercise, have a quiet time, eat right, or even socialize with strangers (a big fear of mine) unless God is accomplishing it through me.  Not my willpower, but HIS power. This is the reason for my consistent failure in this area of my life. 

So my prayer this week (and from this point forward) has been that God would move my heart to the point that I need to be with him everyday. That Andy needs to be with him everyday.  I cannot imagine a day spent without Andy in my life anymore.  My prayer is that my desire for God's presence in my life is infinitely more so.

With that in mind, my assignment for Spiritual Formations for the spring is to choose a spiritual discipline I will be concentrating on and form a plan to develop it.  In light of Sundays events, I chose Bible study.  My focus will be on the book of Philemon because a friends recently told me that she had done a study in that book and had never realized the 'meat' that was in it.  I prayed about it and feel the Lord's leading as such, so for the next few months I will be studying and memorizing Philemon.  I'm kinda excited about it!

Please pray for my heart and I endeavor on this adventure as I am sure the Enemy will be certain to attempt sabotage.  Pray for Andy on his own journey of discovering Scriptures influence in his heart and life as well as leading our family.

Note: If you want to hear the sermon, it's available online http://sermon.net/edgewater.

 

The Biggest Loser, Running, and The Me I Want to Be

Andy and I have been devouring (if you'll forgive the pun) the first 3 seasons of The Biggest Loser these past two weeks and it has been inspiring for me. Beyond the entertainment value of the competition, the show is filled with helpful tips to a healthier lifestyle.  I am also contemplating doing my 3rd half marathon in the Rock n' Roll Half Marathon Series here in NOLA in March. Andy got me a Forerunner to help with my training and it's awesome! For my Spiritual Formations class this semester we are reading The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg. I found the first two chapters a little repetitive initially but I really got into the 3rd and 4th chapters.  He discusses the disparity between our current ME and God's version of ME; the life God intends for us and the one we settle for when we try to close the gap between us and God with our own strength. "Some people think if they just try harder, they can close the gap between the me God made them to be and the the me that currently exists. They think they are simply not being heroic enough in their spiritual effort." He then goes on to further describe the vicious cycle that ensues when this is attempted: there is guilt over a "lack" of something in life > this leads to attempts to "try harder" > eventually fatigue or boredom sets in > the activity is abandoned and you quit > this leads to guilt, etc. ad nauseum.

What in the world am I rambling about at one o'clock in the morning? These are all linked in my heart right now. I am watching people change their lives with the help of someone who knows more and desires to see their lives changed (not just externally, but internally as well) forever. I think to myself, 'I can do this! They're doing it so there's no reason I can't.' I get ready to go running and then find any lame excuse possible not to work out. I want Andy to do this with me. I need to clean the apartment. I have homework to do. I'm so hooked on Ugly Betty. I have some errands I need to run. It's rainy. I don't have enough gas to get to the park. You name it, and I've probably thought of the excuse. Add to that Ortberg's encouraging admonition that I can do none of these things I want for my life apart from him.  Nothing. 

The frustrating thing is the invisible barrier that is preventing me from working towards my goals. I want to have a regular quiet time with my Savior. I want to have a healthier life in which I'm not always tired and/or suffering from insomnia. I want to regain my passion for writing that was lost, like so many of my pursuits, when Michael passed away.  I want to be able to run again without my lungs feeling like there's a ton of bricks in them. I want/NEED to connect with people here in NOLA and begin to form meaningful relationships like the ones I have in Idaho and Maryland. (In doing so, maybe abating some serious homesickness for both of my home states. I miss my friends and family there but I want to form good relationships here as well.) Interestingly enough, these all require effort. But when I extend said effort and I fail (which I have repeatedly), I quit...then I feel guilty...then I try harder and fizzle out quickly...and I quit. Sound familiar? So, what now? Where do I go from here?

During class discussion on these particular chapters, I was reminded of a saying that I use quite often: You truly know what matters and who matters in your life by the time and effort you spend on them.  Examining this simple philosophy, Andy is what matters most in my life right now; good, bad, or indifferent he is my main focus. (Caveat: he is not my only focus, just my main one.)  I love spending time with my husband! I love to have the apartment tidy when he comes home so my focus can be on him and not on the 20 things I see wrong and that need my attention. I love going out to eat with him and critiquing everything about the experience.  I love playing video games with him and watching him get frustrated when I'm not playing 'correctly'. I love sitting on the couch reading while he plays a video game. I love going for a drive with him just to look at the beautiful homes in NOLA and dreaming about what our home will look like.  I love falling asleep next to him, waking up to him sawing logs, and then poking him to roll over.  I can't get enough of him!

As this thought has run through my head it occurred to me that this is how God perceives me. He loves spending time with me. He loves it when I finally understand something he's been trying to show me for ages. He loves it when my heart is drawn to his beauty that is all around me.  He loves to show himself through the simplest moments in my life.  He loves to provide for me and show me in countless ways that he's got my back.  He loves my failing attempts at whatever suits my fancy in the moment. He loves my structured spontaneity and my love for organizing. He loves my attempts to express my love for Andy and the rest of my family even if it's lost on them. My God loves me no matter what because of his grace.  He pursues me daily. He longs for my time but does not guilt trip me when I don't give it to him. 

I cannot be in relationship with God unless he desires relationship with me. AND HE DOES! I cannot achieve anything in my life apart from him.  My marriage will not be successful, my health will not flourish, I will never commit to regular writing, relationships will not just suddenly appear in my life, and I will not spend the time with him unless my heart is on him and I rely on his strength ALONE - not my own efforts.  I can only guess that this manifests itself in just talking to him whenever I can and asking for that direction and strength. Ortberg says that, "God's plan is not just for us to be saved by grace - it is for us to live by grace." I'd like to live that life; a life that overflows with grace.