The Biggest Loser, Running, and The Me I Want to Be

Andy and I have been devouring (if you'll forgive the pun) the first 3 seasons of The Biggest Loser these past two weeks and it has been inspiring for me. Beyond the entertainment value of the competition, the show is filled with helpful tips to a healthier lifestyle.  I am also contemplating doing my 3rd half marathon in the Rock n' Roll Half Marathon Series here in NOLA in March. Andy got me a Forerunner to help with my training and it's awesome! For my Spiritual Formations class this semester we are reading The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg. I found the first two chapters a little repetitive initially but I really got into the 3rd and 4th chapters.  He discusses the disparity between our current ME and God's version of ME; the life God intends for us and the one we settle for when we try to close the gap between us and God with our own strength. "Some people think if they just try harder, they can close the gap between the me God made them to be and the the me that currently exists. They think they are simply not being heroic enough in their spiritual effort." He then goes on to further describe the vicious cycle that ensues when this is attempted: there is guilt over a "lack" of something in life > this leads to attempts to "try harder" > eventually fatigue or boredom sets in > the activity is abandoned and you quit > this leads to guilt, etc. ad nauseum.

What in the world am I rambling about at one o'clock in the morning? These are all linked in my heart right now. I am watching people change their lives with the help of someone who knows more and desires to see their lives changed (not just externally, but internally as well) forever. I think to myself, 'I can do this! They're doing it so there's no reason I can't.' I get ready to go running and then find any lame excuse possible not to work out. I want Andy to do this with me. I need to clean the apartment. I have homework to do. I'm so hooked on Ugly Betty. I have some errands I need to run. It's rainy. I don't have enough gas to get to the park. You name it, and I've probably thought of the excuse. Add to that Ortberg's encouraging admonition that I can do none of these things I want for my life apart from him.  Nothing. 

The frustrating thing is the invisible barrier that is preventing me from working towards my goals. I want to have a regular quiet time with my Savior. I want to have a healthier life in which I'm not always tired and/or suffering from insomnia. I want to regain my passion for writing that was lost, like so many of my pursuits, when Michael passed away.  I want to be able to run again without my lungs feeling like there's a ton of bricks in them. I want/NEED to connect with people here in NOLA and begin to form meaningful relationships like the ones I have in Idaho and Maryland. (In doing so, maybe abating some serious homesickness for both of my home states. I miss my friends and family there but I want to form good relationships here as well.) Interestingly enough, these all require effort. But when I extend said effort and I fail (which I have repeatedly), I quit...then I feel guilty...then I try harder and fizzle out quickly...and I quit. Sound familiar? So, what now? Where do I go from here?

During class discussion on these particular chapters, I was reminded of a saying that I use quite often: You truly know what matters and who matters in your life by the time and effort you spend on them.  Examining this simple philosophy, Andy is what matters most in my life right now; good, bad, or indifferent he is my main focus. (Caveat: he is not my only focus, just my main one.)  I love spending time with my husband! I love to have the apartment tidy when he comes home so my focus can be on him and not on the 20 things I see wrong and that need my attention. I love going out to eat with him and critiquing everything about the experience.  I love playing video games with him and watching him get frustrated when I'm not playing 'correctly'. I love sitting on the couch reading while he plays a video game. I love going for a drive with him just to look at the beautiful homes in NOLA and dreaming about what our home will look like.  I love falling asleep next to him, waking up to him sawing logs, and then poking him to roll over.  I can't get enough of him!

As this thought has run through my head it occurred to me that this is how God perceives me. He loves spending time with me. He loves it when I finally understand something he's been trying to show me for ages. He loves it when my heart is drawn to his beauty that is all around me.  He loves to show himself through the simplest moments in my life.  He loves to provide for me and show me in countless ways that he's got my back.  He loves my failing attempts at whatever suits my fancy in the moment. He loves my structured spontaneity and my love for organizing. He loves my attempts to express my love for Andy and the rest of my family even if it's lost on them. My God loves me no matter what because of his grace.  He pursues me daily. He longs for my time but does not guilt trip me when I don't give it to him. 

I cannot be in relationship with God unless he desires relationship with me. AND HE DOES! I cannot achieve anything in my life apart from him.  My marriage will not be successful, my health will not flourish, I will never commit to regular writing, relationships will not just suddenly appear in my life, and I will not spend the time with him unless my heart is on him and I rely on his strength ALONE - not my own efforts.  I can only guess that this manifests itself in just talking to him whenever I can and asking for that direction and strength. Ortberg says that, "God's plan is not just for us to be saved by grace - it is for us to live by grace." I'd like to live that life; a life that overflows with grace.

Strange Journey

I didn't know that Andy I were going to meet and get married this year. I didn't know that I wasn't going to have to move into the very spartan single's housing on campus. I didn't know that I wouldn't be serving in a church the moment we got here. I didn't know that God would call me to serve my husband and learn what that means in the context of our relationship (not everyone else's) and not serve elsewhere for a time.  I didn't know that God would be sending Andy on this journey with me. I didn't know that we would get into discussions about our Faith that would push me further than I've ever been pushed.  I didn't know that I would also be pushed by my professors in unexpected ways. I had no idea what I was in for this time last year.
That's not to say that this journey has been unwelcome either! Even though we don't see eye to eye on several issues and we have had to agree to disagree more than once, this dialogue with Andy has pushed me to ask questions I've never asked before.  And they're good questions!
What does the Bible say about....
   > homosexuality? Is it genetics? Is it ok to be gay but not actively "participate" in the lifestyle?
   > polygamy?
   > following the Torah as New Testament Christians?
   > celebrating what used to be pagan holidays?
And the list goes on! The fun thing is remembering the first part of each question - what does the Bible say about this? I'm not going to say I've never been taught this concept, but it certainly is a renewed way of thinking.  Not - what does our culture say about it? Not - how was I raised to believe? Simply - what does the Bible have to say about it? And in my ignorance, I continue to consult those who know better than I in each matter.  They have shared their opinions and then pointed me right back to scripture.
How this plays out is like the conversation Andy and I had last night about polygamy. We were talking about it this weekend, I asked Dr. England about it on Tuesday, and last night  Andy asked me what his response was.  This sparked a 2 hour debate/conversation in which we were digging in the Word and looking for answers.  But the question evolved from polygamy, to 'what is sin?', to 'how now shall we live?;, to the ultimate question: what does it mean to love God? HOW COOL IS THAT!?! Believe me, there was a valid train of thought!
Suffice it to say, I'm on my own new journey of faith...Andy is on his own journey of faith...we're on a faith journey together and it's exciting! A little bumpy at times, but exciting still!

The Great Testing

That's what I get....challenge the devil and he will do what he can to thwart you. It doesn't mean you have to succumb, but I may have last week. For seemingly no reason I felt ill and nauseated and tired.  See, that's my weakness...malaise. When I'm being attacked, that's the first thing he hits me with. But I'm resolved to not let him get the better of me..or Andy.

Although I missed some classes last week it wasn't an altogether loss. It was my birthday last weekend! And my first one with someone to share it with! Andy did not disappoint, either. He continually proves to be this great guy who pays attention and listens to the little things. Andy got us couples sailing lessons because we had such a great time on our catamaran cruise in Maui. I took lessons when I was a kid and LOVED it! He also got us tickets to Jeff Dunham in January...my favorite comedian! And he got me a great digital camera.  I don't mention all of this to brag but to marvel at my husband. His gifts showed such careful thought...he never ceases to amaze me.
This past week has proven to be a test of some sort in our walk as a couple.  We have been chewing over some heavy spiritual issues and were anxiously seeking guidance and direction from the scriptures, from a trusted professor, and prayer. God did not disappoint! Today's sermon and Sunday school lesson (taken from Numbers and Romans respectively) both addressed the issues we were troubling over in a very tangible and freeing way.  It really was fun to continually elbow each other all morning and to share our debate with our classmates. It was fulfilling 'the iron sharpens iron' concept.
God is so good. All the time.

Resolve

You know what, the devil is a nerd. I won’t spend too much time thinking or talking about him b/c that would give him too much power in my life but I will say that no matter what influence he may think he has in Andy’s and my lives, he is so mistaken!  We love Jesus and we are going to spend eternity with Him.  And in the meantime, we’re gonna serve Jesus here on this earth until He takes us home.

I was convicted this week that my initial fervor to pray constantly for Andy has faded as life has gone on.  I was no longer his strongest prayer warrior.  He is being attacked (as am I) and I have allowed the enemy to get a foothold by not continually lifting each of us and our marriage in prayer. But the buck stops here. I have been saying that I want to want to spend time with God but I’m just not there yet. It’s bull! It’s a lie! I NEED to spend time with him. I need to intercede for my husband, for myself, for my family, for my friends; if for no other reason that demonstrate my faith and trust in God and his workings in our lives. God does not need my prayers but He wants them as a further demonstration of my obedience and devotion to Him alone.

The scary thing is, I have been tempted to place Andy above God in my heart. I waited so long for Andy to come into my life and I have been paralyzed at times about losing him (in any shape, form, or fashion). This is a dangerous game to play. I love my husband more than anyone else on the face of this earth. But that should never come before loving Jesus. Andy told me once to let him be my mirror since my own view of my body is not positive. It is such a sweet sentiment (and another reason why there are no full-length mirrors in my home), but God laid upon my heart the need to understand that I am cherished and beautiful b/c HE made me that way. I am beautiful b/c God made me. I am cherished b/c my Maker cherishes me. This doesn’t diminish Andy’s affection and love; it SUPERCEDES it! Jesus’ opinion of me HAS to be more significant than any other’s opinion.

My resolve is now set. I need to spend time with Jesus every day. I need to lift my husband up and surrender him to Jesus every day. I need to lift my family up in intercession every day.  It could be daunting b/c my immediate family is HUGE, but it is important to lift them up every day. No more ground will be surrendered. The battle is on.

Rest...it's a beautiful thing!

I have felt more rested these past few days than in the past few months! I have learned that I need a siesta in the afternoon! I seem to get really sleepy between 2 and 4 pm - solution: take a nap! It's proving to be very helpful...the Europeans have it right, people! We need to slow down and take a nap. Forget Europeans! Kindergartner's have it right! My mind is clearer and that's the best part! Probably a good thing since I have to hit the ground running starting Monday!

Fall Break

Oy - I'm feeling somewhat normal again! The last two weeks were midterms and I was NOT prepared for the onslaught! I figured it would be a quiz and some little assignments due, but I obviously did not pay attention to my carefully plotted Google calendar. I had 3 tests in 2 days, assignments for Joshua/Judges/Ruth, and a MAJOR paper due! I thought I was doing well until that paper. See, it wasn't just a paper...it was a series of papers...10 to be exact. Each varied in length and content...each required extensive research and footnoting. By Friday night my mind was oatmeal, and I didn't turn my paper in on time. Thankfully, Dr. England had some grace and allowed us to turn them in over break with only a 5 point deduction.  I took the deduction. Andy was great, too! He was a technical writer in his past life and offered to help edit my OT paper. Boy, am I rusty in the writing department! Academic writing is much more technical and my writing (according to Andy) is more colloquial.  Needless to say (colloquialism!), he did A LOT of reading and correcting.
My only highlight was the last-minute decision by my in-laws to come and visit! They arrived Friday evening and fun ensued! Since my brain had reached the consistency of oatmeal, I decided to grab some Jimmy John's sandwiches and head over to Lakefront to visit with Andy. He was a bit busy, so we can back to the apartment and Bob took off where Andy left off with correcting my papers. Now I had the benefit of a former news reporter, a seminary graduate, and a pastor rolled up into one awesome helper! And we STILL weren't able to finish in time to get full credit for the paper. (Disclaimer: I place no blame on Andy or Bob. It is solely mine!)
Saturday we went to Bignets 'n More in the Lower 9th Ward (the hardest hit by Katrina) and enjoyed a lovely breakfast of stuffed bignets! Then it was off to the Garden District and a little window shopping and a little shopping shopping. Andy went to work at 2 and I laid down for a nap while Bob and Jill went exploring. That evening the 3 of us went to The Gumbo Shop in the French Quarter and dined on boudin, gumbo, red beans 'n rice, and more. We got there at a great time b/c as we were leaving the line went out the door and spilled onto the sidewalk! That turned out to be the theme for the evening. If Jill and i needed to use the restroom, we'd go right in with no wait and then 6 women would follow us! LOL! As we wandered around the Quarter we made some really fun discoveries! Not the least of which was The Court of the Two Sisters. After looking inside and being totally enchanted by it, we made reservations for Jazz Brunch the next day.
After church on Sunday we went to Cafe du Monde to whet our appetites and then strolled around the Quarter until our 2 pm reservations. As my friend Leah Frazier put it, "it changed our lives" and "affected us emotionally"! It was a superb buffet and we were seated right next to the Jazz band! It was really lovely! We were treated to an impromptu performance with a famous local singer. The rest of the afternoon was spent strolling around the Quarter and discovering some really wonderful shops!
On Monday, Andy and Bob went golfing while Jill and I ran errands and did some light shopping. Since we were headed to Ruth's Chris downtown for dinner that night we had a light lunch of shared nachos at Izzo's in Metarie.  I have to say that dinner that night was exquisite! Having been a restaurant manager it's difficult for me to enjoy my dining experience at times b/c I'm distracted by 'mistakes'. This was not this case this time! From his approach, to his wine service, to his silent service John was SPOT ON! I was able to enjoy my experience with my family and not be distracted.
It was a really lovely time with my in-laws and I'm tickled that when I announced they were coming for a visit in one of my classes, my classmates groaned and tried to commiserate with me. I laughed and told them I really was looking forward to their visit! LOL! Yokes on them!
Bob and Jill left super early on Tuesday and I spent the last 2 days doing almost nothing. I slept A LOT, did a little bit of housework (I mean, the groceries did need to be put away!), and I read. That's pretty much it! You'd think that would be a great way to live, but it's not I was bored by last night and when I got up this morning I was inspired to finish/turn in my paper, write my overdue blog, return my library books, and complete my thank you cards! And that is where I am write now....feeling industrious....well, maybe a little ;)

It's About Time.....

This weekend was the NOBTS Women's Conference! It happens every year in the fall and this year the speaker was Rachel Lovingood (yeah, that's her real name!). I was really hesitant to go because I've never been very comfortable attending events specifically oriented to women (especially if I don't really know anyone). As it turned out, I knew about 6 people there but they were all working it so that meant that I had to scout out a place to sit and camp for the weekend with complete strangers.  This is the dreaded "cafeteria scenario" most of us experienced in grade school at the start of a new year or our first day in a new school. You know the scene: you've gotten your lunch tray (or worse, you brought a sack lunch from home) and you've entered the gauntlet of pre-determined territories; unsure of what social sin you could commit be approaching any given table. You have one of 4 choices: #1- err on the side of choosing the 'cool' table, #2- mistakenly choose a neutral table, where most of the misfits are already sitting, #3- sit at the only empty table with your back to the room as if to say, "I don't need any of you!", or #4- ducking out the side door and eating your lunch on the lawn (or worse, in the bathroom!).
Quick side note: This may come as a surprise to most people, but I am painfully shy when it comes to entering a new situation and meeting new people.  Any other time in my life, I'm outgoing (almost a bit too much at times) and when I'm in my 'professional mode' I can meet the dickens out of anyone!  But when it comes to an informal setting, a party, or visiting a church I am Wendy Wallflower. You'd think with my military-brat background that I would be used to meeting new people! Here's the catch, I have lived in only 2 places for the last 20 years (with only a 3 month exception in Seattle)! I got comfortable....I knew everyone and everyone knew me.... so the skill of meeting new people was almost unnecessary. I mean, if someone new did show up I had a buffer of knowing the person they knew or my more forward friends would speak to them first.  Andy has kinda been that for me in NOLA, but we're not attached at the hip and he certainly wasn't coming to a ladies conference!
Thankfully, Dr. Judi Jackson (a professor here at the seminary and the wife of my advisor) approached me and directed me to a table filled with women...right at the front of the room! As it turns out, the seminary president's wife, the conference speaker, the SBC women's ministry director, a Leavell family member (an historically significant family here at NOBTS), and another guest speaker were all at my table. Yeah, no intimidation factor there! Despite my timidity, I had a great time. Despite my nervous attempts at conversation, I connected with some of these great women. Despite my reservations about coming in the first place, God met me there and blessed me tremendously!

The worship was sweet and tender; it actually brought tears to my eyes, which hasn't happened in a long time. Though the crafts were silly, I sorta saw why they put that in the program. Working on a hands-on activity had a way of bonding the women at each table and broke down some of the potential barriers. And listening to Rachel delivery the message God gave her to give to us was....well 'rich' seems to be the only word that comes to my mind.  She was dynamic, funny, genuine, and it was just a joy to absorb her every word. While other women around me were feverishly taking notes on about everything she said, I sat there absorbing it. I couldn't bring myself to write anything down b/c I didn't want to miss any nuance of what she had to offer.

This morning proved to be no different. I made sure I had my strong Kona coffee in my travel mug and snacked on the continental breakfast they offered. I asked for a willing, open heart and God met me there again. I know, surprise! The funny thing was, the rest of my table had not! I was sitting alone! Rachel was speaking and Judi came to sit at the table, but that was it! Thankfully, after a pause, my pal Melissa came over and sat next to me.  I cannot express how much good that did for my heart...it was the empty table in the grade school cafeteria all over again!
God used Melissa to speak into my heart and open my mind about some really neat stuff....the Bible says we are to take every thought captive. This means that I every time I speak negative things that I am thinking about a situation or about myself, I am not taking my thoughts captive and this potentially leads to sin.  WHOA! I mean, WHOA! That alone would have made the entire weekend worth it, but what God sent me home with today from Rachel's message was:
1. I need to change how I view and manage my time.
       > For me, this means not filling my calendar with everything I need and want to do and then asking God to bless it.  It means opening up my calendar and giving God every day; asking God how he wants me to spend it.
2. I need to challenge myself spiritually.
       > For me, this means that NOTHING should come between me and my time with God. Not Andy, not my tasks for the day, not my selfish wants, NOTHING.
3. I need to choose to be courageous.
       > For me, this means I need to (#1) actively seek out a prayer partner and (#2) to not continue to allow myself to get in the way when God's trying to do something in my life (like having me sit at a table full of impressive women of God or sitting at a table all alone).
Well worth the nominal cost and potential bruise to my ego. God is so cool. You know? I hate that I underestimate what he's capable of, but hey, that's what makes me human and he loves me anyway!