Rest...it's a beautiful thing!

I have felt more rested these past few days than in the past few months! I have learned that I need a siesta in the afternoon! I seem to get really sleepy between 2 and 4 pm - solution: take a nap! It's proving to be very helpful...the Europeans have it right, people! We need to slow down and take a nap. Forget Europeans! Kindergartner's have it right! My mind is clearer and that's the best part! Probably a good thing since I have to hit the ground running starting Monday!

Fall Break

Oy - I'm feeling somewhat normal again! The last two weeks were midterms and I was NOT prepared for the onslaught! I figured it would be a quiz and some little assignments due, but I obviously did not pay attention to my carefully plotted Google calendar. I had 3 tests in 2 days, assignments for Joshua/Judges/Ruth, and a MAJOR paper due! I thought I was doing well until that paper. See, it wasn't just a paper...it was a series of papers...10 to be exact. Each varied in length and content...each required extensive research and footnoting. By Friday night my mind was oatmeal, and I didn't turn my paper in on time. Thankfully, Dr. England had some grace and allowed us to turn them in over break with only a 5 point deduction.  I took the deduction. Andy was great, too! He was a technical writer in his past life and offered to help edit my OT paper. Boy, am I rusty in the writing department! Academic writing is much more technical and my writing (according to Andy) is more colloquial.  Needless to say (colloquialism!), he did A LOT of reading and correcting.
My only highlight was the last-minute decision by my in-laws to come and visit! They arrived Friday evening and fun ensued! Since my brain had reached the consistency of oatmeal, I decided to grab some Jimmy John's sandwiches and head over to Lakefront to visit with Andy. He was a bit busy, so we can back to the apartment and Bob took off where Andy left off with correcting my papers. Now I had the benefit of a former news reporter, a seminary graduate, and a pastor rolled up into one awesome helper! And we STILL weren't able to finish in time to get full credit for the paper. (Disclaimer: I place no blame on Andy or Bob. It is solely mine!)
Saturday we went to Bignets 'n More in the Lower 9th Ward (the hardest hit by Katrina) and enjoyed a lovely breakfast of stuffed bignets! Then it was off to the Garden District and a little window shopping and a little shopping shopping. Andy went to work at 2 and I laid down for a nap while Bob and Jill went exploring. That evening the 3 of us went to The Gumbo Shop in the French Quarter and dined on boudin, gumbo, red beans 'n rice, and more. We got there at a great time b/c as we were leaving the line went out the door and spilled onto the sidewalk! That turned out to be the theme for the evening. If Jill and i needed to use the restroom, we'd go right in with no wait and then 6 women would follow us! LOL! As we wandered around the Quarter we made some really fun discoveries! Not the least of which was The Court of the Two Sisters. After looking inside and being totally enchanted by it, we made reservations for Jazz Brunch the next day.
After church on Sunday we went to Cafe du Monde to whet our appetites and then strolled around the Quarter until our 2 pm reservations. As my friend Leah Frazier put it, "it changed our lives" and "affected us emotionally"! It was a superb buffet and we were seated right next to the Jazz band! It was really lovely! We were treated to an impromptu performance with a famous local singer. The rest of the afternoon was spent strolling around the Quarter and discovering some really wonderful shops!
On Monday, Andy and Bob went golfing while Jill and I ran errands and did some light shopping. Since we were headed to Ruth's Chris downtown for dinner that night we had a light lunch of shared nachos at Izzo's in Metarie.  I have to say that dinner that night was exquisite! Having been a restaurant manager it's difficult for me to enjoy my dining experience at times b/c I'm distracted by 'mistakes'. This was not this case this time! From his approach, to his wine service, to his silent service John was SPOT ON! I was able to enjoy my experience with my family and not be distracted.
It was a really lovely time with my in-laws and I'm tickled that when I announced they were coming for a visit in one of my classes, my classmates groaned and tried to commiserate with me. I laughed and told them I really was looking forward to their visit! LOL! Yokes on them!
Bob and Jill left super early on Tuesday and I spent the last 2 days doing almost nothing. I slept A LOT, did a little bit of housework (I mean, the groceries did need to be put away!), and I read. That's pretty much it! You'd think that would be a great way to live, but it's not I was bored by last night and when I got up this morning I was inspired to finish/turn in my paper, write my overdue blog, return my library books, and complete my thank you cards! And that is where I am write now....feeling industrious....well, maybe a little ;)

It's About Time.....

This weekend was the NOBTS Women's Conference! It happens every year in the fall and this year the speaker was Rachel Lovingood (yeah, that's her real name!). I was really hesitant to go because I've never been very comfortable attending events specifically oriented to women (especially if I don't really know anyone). As it turned out, I knew about 6 people there but they were all working it so that meant that I had to scout out a place to sit and camp for the weekend with complete strangers.  This is the dreaded "cafeteria scenario" most of us experienced in grade school at the start of a new year or our first day in a new school. You know the scene: you've gotten your lunch tray (or worse, you brought a sack lunch from home) and you've entered the gauntlet of pre-determined territories; unsure of what social sin you could commit be approaching any given table. You have one of 4 choices: #1- err on the side of choosing the 'cool' table, #2- mistakenly choose a neutral table, where most of the misfits are already sitting, #3- sit at the only empty table with your back to the room as if to say, "I don't need any of you!", or #4- ducking out the side door and eating your lunch on the lawn (or worse, in the bathroom!).
Quick side note: This may come as a surprise to most people, but I am painfully shy when it comes to entering a new situation and meeting new people.  Any other time in my life, I'm outgoing (almost a bit too much at times) and when I'm in my 'professional mode' I can meet the dickens out of anyone!  But when it comes to an informal setting, a party, or visiting a church I am Wendy Wallflower. You'd think with my military-brat background that I would be used to meeting new people! Here's the catch, I have lived in only 2 places for the last 20 years (with only a 3 month exception in Seattle)! I got comfortable....I knew everyone and everyone knew me.... so the skill of meeting new people was almost unnecessary. I mean, if someone new did show up I had a buffer of knowing the person they knew or my more forward friends would speak to them first.  Andy has kinda been that for me in NOLA, but we're not attached at the hip and he certainly wasn't coming to a ladies conference!
Thankfully, Dr. Judi Jackson (a professor here at the seminary and the wife of my advisor) approached me and directed me to a table filled with women...right at the front of the room! As it turns out, the seminary president's wife, the conference speaker, the SBC women's ministry director, a Leavell family member (an historically significant family here at NOBTS), and another guest speaker were all at my table. Yeah, no intimidation factor there! Despite my timidity, I had a great time. Despite my nervous attempts at conversation, I connected with some of these great women. Despite my reservations about coming in the first place, God met me there and blessed me tremendously!

The worship was sweet and tender; it actually brought tears to my eyes, which hasn't happened in a long time. Though the crafts were silly, I sorta saw why they put that in the program. Working on a hands-on activity had a way of bonding the women at each table and broke down some of the potential barriers. And listening to Rachel delivery the message God gave her to give to us was....well 'rich' seems to be the only word that comes to my mind.  She was dynamic, funny, genuine, and it was just a joy to absorb her every word. While other women around me were feverishly taking notes on about everything she said, I sat there absorbing it. I couldn't bring myself to write anything down b/c I didn't want to miss any nuance of what she had to offer.

This morning proved to be no different. I made sure I had my strong Kona coffee in my travel mug and snacked on the continental breakfast they offered. I asked for a willing, open heart and God met me there again. I know, surprise! The funny thing was, the rest of my table had not! I was sitting alone! Rachel was speaking and Judi came to sit at the table, but that was it! Thankfully, after a pause, my pal Melissa came over and sat next to me.  I cannot express how much good that did for my heart...it was the empty table in the grade school cafeteria all over again!
God used Melissa to speak into my heart and open my mind about some really neat stuff....the Bible says we are to take every thought captive. This means that I every time I speak negative things that I am thinking about a situation or about myself, I am not taking my thoughts captive and this potentially leads to sin.  WHOA! I mean, WHOA! That alone would have made the entire weekend worth it, but what God sent me home with today from Rachel's message was:
1. I need to change how I view and manage my time.
       > For me, this means not filling my calendar with everything I need and want to do and then asking God to bless it.  It means opening up my calendar and giving God every day; asking God how he wants me to spend it.
2. I need to challenge myself spiritually.
       > For me, this means that NOTHING should come between me and my time with God. Not Andy, not my tasks for the day, not my selfish wants, NOTHING.
3. I need to choose to be courageous.
       > For me, this means I need to (#1) actively seek out a prayer partner and (#2) to not continue to allow myself to get in the way when God's trying to do something in my life (like having me sit at a table full of impressive women of God or sitting at a table all alone).
Well worth the nominal cost and potential bruise to my ego. God is so cool. You know? I hate that I underestimate what he's capable of, but hey, that's what makes me human and he loves me anyway!

Little BIG Planet

I have to admit that I have a new addiction. I've never had very good hand-eye coordination so video games have never been high on my list of fun things to do. HOWEVER, Andy loves them (he has 2 systems) and I wanted to understand why he would continue to play a game that consistently frustrated and upset him. And then he sealed his fate by introducing me to Little BIG Planet. I'm hooked!
It's a fun, progressive game that reminds me vaguely of the original Mario Bros. on Nintendo. You're player is a little burlap sack doll that you can dress up and change out as you go through lands and gaining new wardrobe items. You also acquire stickers to decorate your environment whenever you feel like it. There are mostly no time constraints and there are portals that save your progress as you go along so if you die, you don't have to repeat the entire level all over again. I have to be careful to not lose too much of my time to this game! I cannot even express how addicting it is! And thus, I understand Andy's persistence!
The unexpected joys evolving out of learning this game with Andy's guidance are that he innately understands how I learn and teaches/guides me accordingly, it forces us to communicate differently (i.e. honey, I need you to follow me, b/c if you don't, I'll die...), and it has taught me to persist even in the face of certain death! (Ok, well the death of my rag doll, but still!)
Why am I rambling about this game? Because tonight as I was playing a particularly difficult level, Andy quietly delivers a piece of Truth that blew me away. My doll had to move from rotating wheel to rotating wheel, progressively moving higher, collecting the point bubbles, and get to the end without dying too many times. Yeah, sounds simple right? NOT! I was frustrated and yelling at my doll b/c I was so paranoid of falling that I couldn't get one finger to release the button that causes the doll to let go so my other finger could hit the button to jump to the next wheel! I SIMPLY COULDN'T LET GO!!!
This is when my husband says to me (paraphrasing), "You know, this would be something good to share with your kids (students). Sometimes trusting God is simply letting go of something to which you're holding on too tightly." Since he had taken over this part for me b/c I was ready to throw the controller at the TV, I pondered the weight of those words for a moment.
How many times have I held on to something that was so seemingly significant to me? Completely unwilling to trust God with whatever that person, object, situation, or whatever. Then I thought, How would I communicate that to teenagers? How do I help them understand that there are times that we have to let go, so God can take us to the next level? Then I thought, I could make a whole lesson out of this! Whatever it takes, even if I have to take the game system into Bible study with me, this is a HUGE concept. It has the potential to affect our very theology (our understanding of God)!
God has truly blessed me by giving me a husband who is so intuitive and passionate about Truth and justice. Honestly, I think Andy has missed his calling in life. My belief is that someday soon, God will call Andy to be a preacher in some shape, form, or fashion. My prayer is that Andy will answer that call, b/c he is a gifted speaker who loves the Lord and wants the Truth to be heard!

Seminary Assignment that Hopefully Turns Into an Awesome Journey

It's my 5th week at NOBTS and in my Spiritual Formations class I'm required to keep a journal, in any form, of my journey over the next semester. I've been wanting to get into the habit of regular blogging but just never took the time to do anything about it. Hopefully, with the incentive of getting a good grade, I will be able to stick with this and it turns into a source of hope for myself as I see God’s hand working throughout my life!

To catch up on the life of Missie this year would take more room than I care to commit to at this time, but here are some highlights:

1. I met Allen Jackson, professor of student ministry at NOBTS, last year at camp. After an astonishingly short conversation, a quick website search, and a night of prayer I decided that NOBTS was the place God was leading me to.

2. I got fired from my job at the chiropractor.

3. I took on more hours at Skycroft, then got laid off in December due to budget cuts.

4. I was unemployed for almost 2 months and then took a job at Let’s Dish.

5. March 20^th, 2011 at about 10:30 a.m. I met the man of my dreams, Andy Wiedman in the hallway at church. (Incidentally, it was the Sunday before I was supposed to leave for a preview weekend at NOBTS!)

Ø We had lunch with the singles, went for a hike at Savage Mill, exchanged phone numbers, and Andy had asked me out to dinner before I left for New Orleans by day’s end.

NOTE: My good friend, Rich, had to spell it out for me that Andy was asking me out on a date.

6. By the end of the week, we decided to officially date.

7. Two weeks later, we were talking about the future of our relationship and quickly realized that we were going to get married.

8. Mother’s Day weekend we drove to Texas (at my parents’ invite) and Andy asked Daddy if he could marry me.

9. July 29^th, 2011 at 7 p.m. I married the man God made for me. We honeymooned in Maui and made it back 2 weeks later in time for my niece’s wedding in Lubbock.

10. Another week later, we moved onto the NOBTS campus! Orientation was the next day and we haven’t stopped since!

That’s a lot to happen in one person’s life in just over a year but such is life! These last 5 weeks have proven to push me beyond a lot of boundaries I had built around my life. Boundaries that were meant to protect me from pain, trying new things, being willing to bend to God’s will, and so much more. These boundaries have kept me from enjoying the life God intended for me. And it seems that, since Allen and I met last year, he has had me on a journey of breaking through boundary after boundary. It’s been difficult and confusing at times. This I do know, my faithful God has a plan for my life and no matter what goes on around me, and He is guiding me to that end. I simply have to remember that, keep my eyes on Him, and be faithful to where He has me in that moment.

I’m hoping to record what I learn every day in class and what Andy I discover together to see the evolution of my growth from spiritual/intellectual stagnation to consistent flourishing. Please pray for me as I continue on this journey! Because I am going to need it, as will Andy (maybe more so for him)!

So Long, Insecurity

I love my dad more than I'm able to express sometimes. He knows me better than almost anyone else I know (except maybe my mom!) and can read me like a book. He allows me the freedom to ask to speak to "dad" or "psychologist" or "theologian" or any other hat. He never claims to have all the answers but he always turns me back to God and reminds me that all answers come from my Maker.

When I told dad about a book I was looking into reading, he checked it out and got it for me; without discussion. He knows me well enough to know how much I needed to read what lay inside its pages.

So Long, Insecurity was written by Beth Moore this year and it's timing could not have been more perfect in my life. I have already made it halfway through, but it's taken me to this point to be able to talk about it a little bit. You see, the first half is mostly focused on the roots of insecurity and the experiences we have as women that lead to all levels of it.

I am just now getting to the healing portion and I'm already BLOWN AWAY!! Beth dissects a portrait of Proverbs' "woman of valor" - 'She is clothed with strength and dignity.' I mean she breaks it down word for word! Here are some points that really stuck out to me:

1. ...part of any woman's healing from insecurity inevitably involves reclaiming her God-given dignity.

2. ...the most common feeling I get when I've let my insecurity surface, it is the sense of being overexposed.

3. I have come to a place where I'm willing to be transparent with my insecurity, but I find great relief that human eyes have to see it through the filter-the clothing-of God-given strength and dignity. I don't have to stand before you or anybody else in total emotional nakedness. I have a scriptural covering that gives me the courage to expose my most personal self.

4. What would happen if, in the moment you feel hit by that miserable wave (of insecurity), you remind yourself emphatically that you are a God-clothed woman of valor and you have the privilege to wear divine strength like a garment?

5. Pride is dignity's counterfeit. Never lose sight of that. We don't forfeit our humility in order to get over insecurity.

6. You and I, along with every other human on this planet, possess dignity because God himself has it and he created us in his image...God didn't just confer dignity to us...He crowned us with it.

7. To possess dignity is to be worthy of respect. Worthy of high esteem. Absorb this: YOU ARE WORTHY OF RESPECT. (emphasis added)

8. OUR POSSESSION OF DIGNITY IS NOT ALWAYS SOMETHING WE FEEL. IT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING WE KNOW. SOMETHING WE EMPHATICALLY CLAIM. (emphasis added)

I don't have too much to add to that! It was so profound for me that I had to share it. I'd welcome any thoughts.

God you are amazing! Thank you for this gift! This treasure! May all women be given a opportunity to read this message you have given through Beth. I LOVE YOU!

Healthy...State of mind, or state of being?

I went to Patient First this week and was diagnosed with Bronchitis. When they did my vitals and basic stats, I weighed out at 199.5 lbs. This is not a total surprise given that I haven't been very active since the beginning of summer. I was on a great track at the end of last year and into the first 4 months of this year; hit a slippery slope and never recovered.

I could use the excuse of the stress of repeated, unsuccessful attempts to find a permanent place to live; or the process of moving from depending on one friend's kindness to another's; or the heart-changing experience at ReCharge in July; or getting fired from the doctor's office; or the crazy amount of traveling I do with my new job at Skycroft. A good friend asked me the other day, "Why didn't I know about (such and such) changes in your life? Why didn't you tell me?" Another friend standing there said, "This is Missie we're talking about. Her life changes all the time!"

It made me wonder about where I am right now and where I'm headed. I had a revelation at reCharge that made me think even deeper about what that conversation meant. My revelation was that I have been trying to fix my outward appearance for a long time and have been very unsuccessful overall. Any weight-loss attempts worked at the time, but never had staying power. I realized that before I can change my outward appearance, I have to let God change my insides. I haven't been "right" since Michael died and I know some people have wondered why it was so scarring when our adult relationship had been so distant; my response to them, is that it is something you are not required to understand. And I say that lovingly, but firmly. Let me grieve and move on in my own way. Part of that grief has been that my relationship with God was so altered after that event. It seemed that I was on the right path: I was serving in my church, having my quiet time, you know - doing my "Christian thing".

So why did I almost turn away. And even after I came back, why did I/do I still live as if I have no faith? I was going to church and doing my "Christian thing" again, so where was I going? Nowhere - directionless. It didn't hit me until ReCharge while listening to a man's testimony about running from God that I was realized that I was running. And I ran - right out of worship, out of the building, just to get away from what God was literally impressing upon my heart. But the thing is, we can only run from God for so long until we hit a fork in the road. You either choose to stay away or you realize you don't want to run anymore and you surrender to Him. And I did; I surrendered. I rediscovered love for my Savior and my passion for teaching young people the Bible and for showing compassion to others.

The funny thing is, I don't allow myself to be loved, or taught, or to be shown compassion. Something inside me tells me that at any moment, a friendship will be revoked, someone's love will be retracted, a pure offer of mercy & compassion will be taken back and there's not one thing in this world I can do about it. And it's all true! Our relationships are HUMAN relationships: inherently flawed. My friend will probably come to the decision that they no longer think it's worth it to be my friend anymore - my loved one will decided it's not worth their time to love me anymore - my friends will decide that there's a limit to the amount of mercy and compassion allotted to one person and I have reached my quota.

Here's the beautiful thing - with Jesus, there are no limitations on friendship, love, mercy, & compassion. His love knows no bounds. I need to wake up everyday remembering that and no put such high expectations on the people in my life. They are, just as I am, flawed humans.

And that's where I stand right now...a flawed human wanting to change not only my outsides, but also my insides. But I can't do this alone, nor can I do it all at once. I need people who will come alongside me and aide me in my venture. This requires true accountability and a desire to stick it out no matter what proximity we may have to each other.

Here are some of my goals for now:

Getting into a regular workout routine and maybe someone(s) to work out with

Finding a personal Bible study I can dig into

Finding and committing to a prayer partner

Getting my finances in order and staying on a budget

Paying down to 0 debt

and

Saving for seminary for next fall.

Will achieving these goals create a healthy state of mind or being? I don't know, but I'm sure willing to give it a shot!