Healthy...State of mind, or state of being?

I went to Patient First this week and was diagnosed with Bronchitis. When they did my vitals and basic stats, I weighed out at 199.5 lbs. This is not a total surprise given that I haven't been very active since the beginning of summer. I was on a great track at the end of last year and into the first 4 months of this year; hit a slippery slope and never recovered.

I could use the excuse of the stress of repeated, unsuccessful attempts to find a permanent place to live; or the process of moving from depending on one friend's kindness to another's; or the heart-changing experience at ReCharge in July; or getting fired from the doctor's office; or the crazy amount of traveling I do with my new job at Skycroft. A good friend asked me the other day, "Why didn't I know about (such and such) changes in your life? Why didn't you tell me?" Another friend standing there said, "This is Missie we're talking about. Her life changes all the time!"

It made me wonder about where I am right now and where I'm headed. I had a revelation at reCharge that made me think even deeper about what that conversation meant. My revelation was that I have been trying to fix my outward appearance for a long time and have been very unsuccessful overall. Any weight-loss attempts worked at the time, but never had staying power. I realized that before I can change my outward appearance, I have to let God change my insides. I haven't been "right" since Michael died and I know some people have wondered why it was so scarring when our adult relationship had been so distant; my response to them, is that it is something you are not required to understand. And I say that lovingly, but firmly. Let me grieve and move on in my own way. Part of that grief has been that my relationship with God was so altered after that event. It seemed that I was on the right path: I was serving in my church, having my quiet time, you know - doing my "Christian thing".

So why did I almost turn away. And even after I came back, why did I/do I still live as if I have no faith? I was going to church and doing my "Christian thing" again, so where was I going? Nowhere - directionless. It didn't hit me until ReCharge while listening to a man's testimony about running from God that I was realized that I was running. And I ran - right out of worship, out of the building, just to get away from what God was literally impressing upon my heart. But the thing is, we can only run from God for so long until we hit a fork in the road. You either choose to stay away or you realize you don't want to run anymore and you surrender to Him. And I did; I surrendered. I rediscovered love for my Savior and my passion for teaching young people the Bible and for showing compassion to others.

The funny thing is, I don't allow myself to be loved, or taught, or to be shown compassion. Something inside me tells me that at any moment, a friendship will be revoked, someone's love will be retracted, a pure offer of mercy & compassion will be taken back and there's not one thing in this world I can do about it. And it's all true! Our relationships are HUMAN relationships: inherently flawed. My friend will probably come to the decision that they no longer think it's worth it to be my friend anymore - my loved one will decided it's not worth their time to love me anymore - my friends will decide that there's a limit to the amount of mercy and compassion allotted to one person and I have reached my quota.

Here's the beautiful thing - with Jesus, there are no limitations on friendship, love, mercy, & compassion. His love knows no bounds. I need to wake up everyday remembering that and no put such high expectations on the people in my life. They are, just as I am, flawed humans.

And that's where I stand right now...a flawed human wanting to change not only my outsides, but also my insides. But I can't do this alone, nor can I do it all at once. I need people who will come alongside me and aide me in my venture. This requires true accountability and a desire to stick it out no matter what proximity we may have to each other.

Here are some of my goals for now:

Getting into a regular workout routine and maybe someone(s) to work out with

Finding a personal Bible study I can dig into

Finding and committing to a prayer partner

Getting my finances in order and staying on a budget

Paying down to 0 debt

and

Saving for seminary for next fall.

Will achieving these goals create a healthy state of mind or being? I don't know, but I'm sure willing to give it a shot!