In Memorium

I wrote this blog this week, realizing that I had not written in a few months.  The content of the story is similar to my last post, but with a completely different focus. I hope you'll read it anyway!

Seven years ago this Thursday, my older brother Michael died in his sleep.  In the wake of this loss our family was forever changed. I was forever changed.

Michael was a typical older brother for me; he was my playmate in childhood and my friend in adulthood.  Even though we never lived near each other in adulthood, he was still my go-to guy and the standard by which I gauged any guy in my life. I adored my big brother. As a child, he was my protector. He was cool. He was rebellious. He was funny. He was savvy.  He pushed me to try new things. He challenged my fears and even mocked them to help me overcome them.

Michael was also a jerk (at times).

• He frequently made fun of my devotion to my faith.
• He often shared his exploits in the military with me (in great detail); despite how inappropriate such information was for a younger sister.
• Being an integral part of our family was not important to him. 
• He was not good at forgiveness, and never forgot a wrong.

Some may believe that this is a rather harsh way to describe him, but my journey  this past year has made me realize how important it is not to ‘romanticize’ my brother in his death and forget the full person that he was in life.  He was good and bad.  He was kind and cruel.  He was loving and spiteful.  All of these characteristics made up my awesome brother.

When he died, my whole worldview changed...

For the first time in my life:

·         I questioned my faith.

·         I was angry at God.

·         I became fatalistic.

·         The Bible no longer held any luster for me.

·         Church was not a priority.

·         I stopped doing ministry for the first few years after his death.

It is easy to say that the person I am today is nowhere near the person I was seven years ago.  And that’s not an altogether bad thing.  In the wake of his death, I found myself listless and directionless; numb with disbelief for months after.  And when the dam broke, it broke hard and fast.  I have an intimate understanding of experiencing face-to-the-ground-unable-to-breathe groaning where only the Holy Spirit could express my grief.

”…but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” – Rom 8:26b

I had the blessing of being referred to a wonderful counselor who was present for my meltdown and he gave me the grace to let everything out, no matter how evil it seemed.  Randy told me something that rocked my whole spiritual world:

God is big enough to handle your anger. So let him have it.

Tell him everything that’s on your heart.  He already knows it, but he wants to you express it to him, no matter how base it may get.

Shout it from the mountaintops if you have to.  But do it.

He’s big enough for whatever you have to throw at him.

Man did I ever let it out! I went to the top of Lewiston hill and had a screaming match (one-sided, really) with God and let him have it.  And things came out that I never knew I was dealing with. 

It was hard, but it was healing.

It deepened my relationship with God to bare my soul to him without fear.

If God could handle everything I threw at him and still love me,

then this was a God I could get on board with again.

But the road back to his arms was not easy.  It has taken years for me to learn to trust God again.  For years I lived in fear. Every time the phone rang, my heart-rate skyrocketed.  Every time  my parents got sick, had surgery, or sounded serious when they called my mind jumped to the worst case scenario.

But here’s how God has changed me in the last year:

É       I have learned to trust God again in all circumstances because he has proven himself time and again that he would take care of me.

É       Living in fear and anxiety is no life.  Everyone dies.  This life and everything in it are temporary. And that’s okay!

É       Lastly, some very wise words from a pretty cool band:

Just hold on loosely but don't let go
If you cling too tightly
You're gonna lose control

            - Hold On Loosely by 38 Special

I miss Michael every day; some days more than others.  He was, and still is, my big brother.  I wish he could see me now.  I wish I knew he was proud of me.  His fervor for life and trying new things with abandon were infectious. 

He still inspires me to be brave and try new things.

(Like marrying the man of my dreams and

following a 15-year-long dream of going to seminary!)