In Memorium

I wrote this blog this week, realizing that I had not written in a few months.  The content of the story is similar to my last post, but with a completely different focus. I hope you'll read it anyway!

Seven years ago this Thursday, my older brother Michael died in his sleep.  In the wake of this loss our family was forever changed. I was forever changed.

Michael was a typical older brother for me; he was my playmate in childhood and my friend in adulthood.  Even though we never lived near each other in adulthood, he was still my go-to guy and the standard by which I gauged any guy in my life. I adored my big brother. As a child, he was my protector. He was cool. He was rebellious. He was funny. He was savvy.  He pushed me to try new things. He challenged my fears and even mocked them to help me overcome them.

Michael was also a jerk (at times).

• He frequently made fun of my devotion to my faith.
• He often shared his exploits in the military with me (in great detail); despite how inappropriate such information was for a younger sister.
• Being an integral part of our family was not important to him. 
• He was not good at forgiveness, and never forgot a wrong.

Some may believe that this is a rather harsh way to describe him, but my journey  this past year has made me realize how important it is not to ‘romanticize’ my brother in his death and forget the full person that he was in life.  He was good and bad.  He was kind and cruel.  He was loving and spiteful.  All of these characteristics made up my awesome brother.

When he died, my whole worldview changed...

For the first time in my life:

·         I questioned my faith.

·         I was angry at God.

·         I became fatalistic.

·         The Bible no longer held any luster for me.

·         Church was not a priority.

·         I stopped doing ministry for the first few years after his death.

It is easy to say that the person I am today is nowhere near the person I was seven years ago.  And that’s not an altogether bad thing.  In the wake of his death, I found myself listless and directionless; numb with disbelief for months after.  And when the dam broke, it broke hard and fast.  I have an intimate understanding of experiencing face-to-the-ground-unable-to-breathe groaning where only the Holy Spirit could express my grief.

”…but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” – Rom 8:26b

I had the blessing of being referred to a wonderful counselor who was present for my meltdown and he gave me the grace to let everything out, no matter how evil it seemed.  Randy told me something that rocked my whole spiritual world:

God is big enough to handle your anger. So let him have it.

Tell him everything that’s on your heart.  He already knows it, but he wants to you express it to him, no matter how base it may get.

Shout it from the mountaintops if you have to.  But do it.

He’s big enough for whatever you have to throw at him.

Man did I ever let it out! I went to the top of Lewiston hill and had a screaming match (one-sided, really) with God and let him have it.  And things came out that I never knew I was dealing with. 

It was hard, but it was healing.

It deepened my relationship with God to bare my soul to him without fear.

If God could handle everything I threw at him and still love me,

then this was a God I could get on board with again.

But the road back to his arms was not easy.  It has taken years for me to learn to trust God again.  For years I lived in fear. Every time the phone rang, my heart-rate skyrocketed.  Every time  my parents got sick, had surgery, or sounded serious when they called my mind jumped to the worst case scenario.

But here’s how God has changed me in the last year:

É       I have learned to trust God again in all circumstances because he has proven himself time and again that he would take care of me.

É       Living in fear and anxiety is no life.  Everyone dies.  This life and everything in it are temporary. And that’s okay!

É       Lastly, some very wise words from a pretty cool band:

Just hold on loosely but don't let go
If you cling too tightly
You're gonna lose control

            - Hold On Loosely by 38 Special

I miss Michael every day; some days more than others.  He was, and still is, my big brother.  I wish he could see me now.  I wish I knew he was proud of me.  His fervor for life and trying new things with abandon were infectious. 

He still inspires me to be brave and try new things.

(Like marrying the man of my dreams and

following a 15-year-long dream of going to seminary!)

On the borderline....

Something came to my attention today and I realized that I am swiftly approaching a borderline that can be either a healthy look inward or a outwardly destructive force.

Vague-much?

Background: 

When my brother died almost 7 years ago (SEVEN YEARS?! wow. Time has really flown.), it was in the aftermath of the death of a very close friend. 

After the initial numbness wore off, I was not a little angry at God and essentially told Him that He could take His 'religion' along with His 'calling' for my life and shove it.  I'd had enough.  He was taking every significant man from my life and I'd had enough.

Gone were my natural tendencies for optimism and trust.  Gone were my desires to pursue God with every fiber of my being.  The new norms were fatalism, fear, and anxiety.

A few months later, my dad got sick and almost died.  At that point I very much told God that if He took my dad, we were through.  Period.

After all, I had been a 'good girl' my whole life. I was obedient, compliant, pleasant, did what was asked of me, and lived my life for Him with abandon! Hadn't I earned the right to not have so much pain and loss in my life?

Bad, bad theology.

Thankfully, He truly is a loving God and demonstrated to me just how much He loves His children and how hard He pursues us through how staunchly my Idaho friends pursued me.  They lovingly pushed me back to church, back to fellowship with other believers, back to the Word of God, and they held my hand (and sometimes my head) as I waded through my grief/anger.

I carried my anger for a long time and eventually came to the conclusion that I must have done something pretty bad for God to take away so many people from me.

Bad, bad theology.

This past spring I took the class "Death, Loss, & Grief" withDr. Bozeman, a trusted professor and friend.  One day she said something so profound that it changed my whole life and my relationship with God.  Ready for it?

"Everybody dies."

I know, I know.  That's blunt and not a little harsh, but the reality is harsh.  We live in a broken, fallen world and it is because of this that everyone dies.  Michael died because he got sick. Jay died in a car accident.  Everybody dies.  

It is not vengeance. Or punishment.

Okay, a slight FAST FORWARD:

Today is a new day and marked the beginning of my third year here at NOBTS (THREE YEARS!! WHOA!).  I am so excited about this year, because it's one step closer to graduation and each semester has held new things for me.  Each year has had a 'theme' of some sort.

Year #1 - Learn to be married! Yeah. Who knew?  It doesn't come naturally!  It's work. Hard work. Rewarding work.  In marriage, every day you have to choose to die to self and surrender your spouse to God.  You have to surrender your relationship with them to God.  You have to choose to remember what brought you together and rejoice in that.  You have to choose to put their needs ahead of your own.  This is not carte blanche to become a doormat.  This is a choice to daily put someone else before yourself in order to glorify God.  

Andy was my gift from Jehovah-Jireh (God the Provider).  He was the answer to a prayer I prayed for 12 years.  He is not perfect.  But he is a daily reminder that God is faithful and He loves me.

Year #2 - Heal.  "Oh, my child. I got you."  I cannot even begin to describe the 'stuff' that Jehovah Rapha (God the Healer) has been working on in me this year.  He knew exactly where I was hurting, old wounds that had never quite healed, and pain that had been shoved down deep for too long.  He knew, and He went there with me...He went there and opened those wounds (some I had not even been aware of).  He brought Andy along on some of them; but mostly He brought me through them and began the work of healing them.  

Am I completely whole? NAH! He didn't decide to bring me all the way Home yet.  I still have work to do.  I still struggle with anxiety and fear.  I still have moments of doubt that Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider, is going to continue to hold me and guide me.  But oh, the joy that fills my soul when I look at my 'scars' and remember what He has brought me through.

Year #3 - What does this year bring? I don't know yet, but I'm excited!  

BACK to the PRESENT

Which is what brings me to chapel today and the whole point of this post!  (You thought I forgot, didn't you! ;))

Dr. Lemke read from James 3 today and, though I've probably read this passage a dozen times, something really stood out to me!  Check this out!

"Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so."  James 3:1-10

This passage was directed to any Christian who might become a teacher.  Our tongues (no, not our physical tongues...rather, our words) are a powerful weapon! They can be used to tear down or to build up.  They can magnify God and honor Him or they can dishonor Him.  Just a simple word.

(Here's where I tie it all together!)

What a challenge for me! I have been teetering on the borderline of cynicism and apathy lately.  There is so much negative going on in the world, our country, in New Orleans, and even right here on our campus that it has been really easy to lose myself to the negative!  And with email, texting, Facebook, my blog, etc. available to me as an easy-access venue to spread whatever message comes to mind, my previous tendencies toward negativity have re-emerged over the summer.  

I found myself not caring about things or people as much as before. I found myself dwelling on the negatives in people instead of trying to see them as God sees them. I found myself dwelling on myself.  A lot.  

And that is dangerous.

This became very apparent to me from a simple reading of Scripture this morning.

So simple.

I can use my function as 'teacher' (in whatever capacity I am serving as a leader/teacher right now) to either build people up, glorify God, and share His word.

Or I can use them to tear down, belittle, mock, and vent whenever I'm offended or slighted.

Being the leader that Creator God made me, it is upon me to weigh my words...in whatever form I use them...BEFORE I use them.

To borrow the acronym from www.mygirltalk.org:

                 Is what I am saying, texting or typing:

                     True

                     Helpful

                     Important

                     Necessary

                     Kind?

 And I would add, "Does it glorify God?"  If it does not, then I do not need to say it.

My prayer is that by filtering my words through this lens, I can more readily follow Paul's admonition:

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."  Phil 4:4-9

In doing so, I can run from the borderline of cynicism and apathy with the ability to think critically and to act wisely.

 SO LONG, BORDERLINE!

'tis the season to be.....stressed?

It's that time of year again!

No. Not Christmas.  Not yet anyway!

Back to school! A time of year that is joyous to some and dreadful to many!

For those of us in higher education that have chosen to go back to school, there are a plethora of mixed emotions!
   - EXCITEMENT! Man, school's back in session and I can't wait to get back to a routine!
   - SADNESS.  Man! Summer is over! No more time at the beach, the pool, or late night trips to my favorite hang out.
   - PANIC! MAN ALIVE, these books are expensive! You want me to pay how much for tuition?!  uhhhhhhh.....

I find myself feeling these and so much more! There are new things to look forward to this semester, but mostly I find myself panicked over how I'm going to afford my textbooks and how we're going to pull off paying tuition every semester.

Chest tightening....

Vision blurring...

Waaaiiit a second...

Where am I?  Whose am I?  What am I doing here?

Oh yeah!  I am right where God called me to be.  I am His child.  I am doing (almost) exactly what he called me to do: be all here, while you're here and learn as much as you can so you can teach others!

So why am I worried?!  He has provided for me/us all along the way!  And He's been pretty creative about his provision.

Again, why am I worried?

Well, I'm human and it's in my nature.  But I'm taking this moment to remember that Creator God loves me dearly and intimately.  He takes the time to constantly remind me that He's got my back. And He takes care of all my needs "according to His riches in glory" (Phil 4:19).

He's got me. I'm doin' "the do" and the rest is up to Him!

Whew.

Chest relaxing....

Vision focusing....

There He is!

Not-so-gentle Wrist Slap Reconsideration

Last week during Bible study I was not-so-gently reminded that I'm not as awesome as I think.

During our discussion a new member of our group shared an insight that immediately, and internally, prompted a response from me that I'm almost too ashamed to admit: "Well, that was stupid!"


 
Yeah, I know. Real classy.

 In that moment, I got an internal reprimand that still stings.  God gave me the proverbial 'smackdown' of wrist slaps. "How dare you.  He is mine and this is a profound concept for him.  At one point in our relationship it was profound for you, too. How easily you forget."


Oy vey.


The longer I am at seminary, the more I realize how little I actually know.  And it would serve me well to remember this everyday.  Despite how far I go in my studies, it is important for me to remember that my personal relationship with God is the most important thing in my life.  Every book read, every paper written, every exam taken impacts my relationship with my Creator. 

And just because I am learning more about Him in an academic setting doesn't mean that I am better than those who are not.  It just increases the weight of responsibility that is upon me to share this knowledge with others. Lovingly. With respect.

We are called to make disciples. I am not more important than other people because of my education. I, too, was/am ignorant of the things of God. 

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone." - Titus 3:3-8

Jesus generously poured out Himself for all of us and He continues to make Himself available to intimately know Him through His Word.  Since my calling was to further my knowledge on an academic level, it is upon me to share that knowledge with whomever is willing to listen - always with humility and respect.

Lesson learned.  And hopefully remembered.

Ethics of Life

I wrote this two months ago and forgot to post it! BUSY two months!

ethics  plural of eth·ics (Noun)

Noun

1. Moral principles that govern a person's or group's behavior.
2. The moral correctness of specified conduct.              

Contentment...is it even possible on this side of Heaven?

This morning I have been pondering recent conversations about contentment. I did a quick search and the results were interesting, to say the least:

 

Pro 19:23 - The fear of the LORD leads to life; then one rests content, untouched by trouble.

Ecc 4:8 - There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?" This too is meaningless-- a miserable business!

Luk 3:14 - Then some soldiers asked him, "And what should we do?" He replied, "Don't extort money and don't accuse people falsely--be content with your pay."

Phl 4:11 - I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

Phl 4:12 - I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

1Ti 6:8 - But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Hbr 13:5 - Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Two conversations in particular stand out to me between Andy and I.  Last week I was really frustrated with our living arrangement.  "I want a bigger apartment with a real kitchen! I'm tired of living in this tiny apartment. We've done our fair share of living in Willingham and now it's someone else's turn to learn to accommodate to such a small space.  I'm 35 and too old to be living in married dorm housing!" (insert small child throwing a fit....)

After listening to my frustrations, commiserating a bit with me, and letting me have my fit, Andy responded, "You know, babe, if we have to spend all four of our years in Willingham then that's what we'll do.  If that's what God has for us right now, then that's what we'll do."




What do you say to that? (insert contrite child with rare understanding of the wisdom-bomb dropped on them...)

Oy.

The other conversation happened last night as we were discussing the number of "small groups" we're currently involved with and how we will manage/are managing to keep the people and schedules straight.  As Andy was sharing his thoughts and it occurred to me that this time last year we were starving for friendship and fellowship. As I marveled aloud about it (so NOT trying to lay the marital smackdown) Andy said God laid His own smackdown on Andy's heart.



(insert a sheepish child looking up to Dad for mercy...)

Oy.

I am so thankful that Yahweh is a loving and forgiving God!  I may not always like "where" I am, but I always want to be in the center of His will.  

 

Jer 29:11-14  - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD...

I've done the Jonah-thing (aka: running from His will) and it only resulted in heartache.  Oh, may I be more like Paul and continue to run after God's will!

2Ti 4:7 - I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Phl 4:12 - I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

 

Ruminations of Responsibility

Lately I have been pondering the weight of words. 

I have never truly taken much time to consider the weight words carry and the potential impact, until recently.  

Last spring I remember discussing the impact of words on children with someone; that words become imbedded within their sense of identity.  Nicknames, terms of endearment, words of admonishment and frustration, and labels remain with a child forever.  My own childhood nickname has stuck with me and I still embrace it: Nerd.  I learned to read at a young age and so I had my nose in a book whenever I could! 

But words in childhood can also negatively impact a child.  While it is difficult to not compare your children, it is even harder when you children are so distinctly different.  My sister, Denise, and I could not be more opposite in personality, appearances, and temperament.  Not that either is better, they're just different. And so it is very easy to note the differences.  

Unfortunately, a byproduct of such comparison (for me) was that I was somehow inferior to her because people remarked how pretty she was.  So if people thought she was pretty and we looked nothing alike, logically, I am not pretty.  To quote a good friend: "Please don't hear what I'm NOT saying."  My family did NOT EVER say that she was prettier or better than me.  EVER.  It was just how my mind and tender heart received the information.  My parents were always affirming and loving and told me how special I was (and they STILL do!).  To this day, I am sensitive to being compared to other women.

TANGENT! Taking this 'weight of words' on a different tack...I have most recently become aware of it in regards to social media as well.  I consistently see posts about politics, faith, ethics, and so much more on Facebook and it's made me consider how I use this medium.  

Why am I using it?  What are my goals?  Is it really that important for me to weigh in on every matter that comes up? Is this a hill worth dying for?  Are my political views so important to me that it’s worth alienating people I care about? Is this particular ethical issue important enough for me to weigh in on?  Am I brave enough to use this medium to stand up for my faith, knowing that I will alienate or offend someone?  I don’t really have answers for these questions b/c it changes every day and for each issue.

Which leads me to matters of faith.  The longer I am sitting under the instruction of tried and trusted theologians, scholars, and professors, the more I realize how little I actually do know of the Bible.  This is especially poignant for me as I taught the Bible for almost 15 years.  Now I know I never preached or taught outright heresy, but several things were not exactly on the mark.   

The weight of that responsibility has become all too clear to me now.  James talks about this...

"Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly...

 the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts... 

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom... 

the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." (vs 1, 5, 13, 17)

 As I prayerfully consider what God's call is for my life now and after seminary, I am "haunted" by the weight of my education as I speak into people's lives.  With the knowledge I have gained, there is greater responsibility:

Yeah, I went there! Because it's so true!  The word of God is a powerful thing and even a rudimentary knowledge of it carries with it a sense of responsibility.

 "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

Hebrews 4:12 

This is not to be taken lightly.  As my husband strives to get people to understand, "Words have meaning."  

If I truly desire for teenagers to know Christ, then my actions should demonstrate that desire. 

If I truly desire to share the Gospel with them and encourage them to study the Bible more deeply, then my own study should reflect that behavior.  A quick glance before a program does not do service to them or to God.  I owe it to teenagers to do my research thoroughly and present them with a well-rounded view of a passage.  That opportunity may be the first or only time they get to hear the word of God and THAT MATTERS.

If I truly desire to demonstrate the love of Christ, then my words...ALL OF MY WORDS...should reflect that desire.

This does not mean that I have to back down from my personal opinions or not defend my faith.  It does mean that I should follow Christ's in example in doing so: with respect and the desire to bring people to God.  If I am unable to do so, then I have no business weighing in on the discussion.  

If my words cannot reflect Christ, then I have no business uttering them; regardless of the topic.

Words have meaning!