So Long, Insecurity

I love my dad more than I'm able to express sometimes. He knows me better than almost anyone else I know (except maybe my mom!) and can read me like a book. He allows me the freedom to ask to speak to "dad" or "psychologist" or "theologian" or any other hat. He never claims to have all the answers but he always turns me back to God and reminds me that all answers come from my Maker.

When I told dad about a book I was looking into reading, he checked it out and got it for me; without discussion. He knows me well enough to know how much I needed to read what lay inside its pages.

So Long, Insecurity was written by Beth Moore this year and it's timing could not have been more perfect in my life. I have already made it halfway through, but it's taken me to this point to be able to talk about it a little bit. You see, the first half is mostly focused on the roots of insecurity and the experiences we have as women that lead to all levels of it.

I am just now getting to the healing portion and I'm already BLOWN AWAY!! Beth dissects a portrait of Proverbs' "woman of valor" - 'She is clothed with strength and dignity.' I mean she breaks it down word for word! Here are some points that really stuck out to me:

1. ...part of any woman's healing from insecurity inevitably involves reclaiming her God-given dignity.

2. ...the most common feeling I get when I've let my insecurity surface, it is the sense of being overexposed.

3. I have come to a place where I'm willing to be transparent with my insecurity, but I find great relief that human eyes have to see it through the filter-the clothing-of God-given strength and dignity. I don't have to stand before you or anybody else in total emotional nakedness. I have a scriptural covering that gives me the courage to expose my most personal self.

4. What would happen if, in the moment you feel hit by that miserable wave (of insecurity), you remind yourself emphatically that you are a God-clothed woman of valor and you have the privilege to wear divine strength like a garment?

5. Pride is dignity's counterfeit. Never lose sight of that. We don't forfeit our humility in order to get over insecurity.

6. You and I, along with every other human on this planet, possess dignity because God himself has it and he created us in his image...God didn't just confer dignity to us...He crowned us with it.

7. To possess dignity is to be worthy of respect. Worthy of high esteem. Absorb this: YOU ARE WORTHY OF RESPECT. (emphasis added)

8. OUR POSSESSION OF DIGNITY IS NOT ALWAYS SOMETHING WE FEEL. IT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING WE KNOW. SOMETHING WE EMPHATICALLY CLAIM. (emphasis added)

I don't have too much to add to that! It was so profound for me that I had to share it. I'd welcome any thoughts.

God you are amazing! Thank you for this gift! This treasure! May all women be given a opportunity to read this message you have given through Beth. I LOVE YOU!

Healthy...State of mind, or state of being?

I went to Patient First this week and was diagnosed with Bronchitis. When they did my vitals and basic stats, I weighed out at 199.5 lbs. This is not a total surprise given that I haven't been very active since the beginning of summer. I was on a great track at the end of last year and into the first 4 months of this year; hit a slippery slope and never recovered.

I could use the excuse of the stress of repeated, unsuccessful attempts to find a permanent place to live; or the process of moving from depending on one friend's kindness to another's; or the heart-changing experience at ReCharge in July; or getting fired from the doctor's office; or the crazy amount of traveling I do with my new job at Skycroft. A good friend asked me the other day, "Why didn't I know about (such and such) changes in your life? Why didn't you tell me?" Another friend standing there said, "This is Missie we're talking about. Her life changes all the time!"

It made me wonder about where I am right now and where I'm headed. I had a revelation at reCharge that made me think even deeper about what that conversation meant. My revelation was that I have been trying to fix my outward appearance for a long time and have been very unsuccessful overall. Any weight-loss attempts worked at the time, but never had staying power. I realized that before I can change my outward appearance, I have to let God change my insides. I haven't been "right" since Michael died and I know some people have wondered why it was so scarring when our adult relationship had been so distant; my response to them, is that it is something you are not required to understand. And I say that lovingly, but firmly. Let me grieve and move on in my own way. Part of that grief has been that my relationship with God was so altered after that event. It seemed that I was on the right path: I was serving in my church, having my quiet time, you know - doing my "Christian thing".

So why did I almost turn away. And even after I came back, why did I/do I still live as if I have no faith? I was going to church and doing my "Christian thing" again, so where was I going? Nowhere - directionless. It didn't hit me until ReCharge while listening to a man's testimony about running from God that I was realized that I was running. And I ran - right out of worship, out of the building, just to get away from what God was literally impressing upon my heart. But the thing is, we can only run from God for so long until we hit a fork in the road. You either choose to stay away or you realize you don't want to run anymore and you surrender to Him. And I did; I surrendered. I rediscovered love for my Savior and my passion for teaching young people the Bible and for showing compassion to others.

The funny thing is, I don't allow myself to be loved, or taught, or to be shown compassion. Something inside me tells me that at any moment, a friendship will be revoked, someone's love will be retracted, a pure offer of mercy & compassion will be taken back and there's not one thing in this world I can do about it. And it's all true! Our relationships are HUMAN relationships: inherently flawed. My friend will probably come to the decision that they no longer think it's worth it to be my friend anymore - my loved one will decided it's not worth their time to love me anymore - my friends will decide that there's a limit to the amount of mercy and compassion allotted to one person and I have reached my quota.

Here's the beautiful thing - with Jesus, there are no limitations on friendship, love, mercy, & compassion. His love knows no bounds. I need to wake up everyday remembering that and no put such high expectations on the people in my life. They are, just as I am, flawed humans.

And that's where I stand right now...a flawed human wanting to change not only my outsides, but also my insides. But I can't do this alone, nor can I do it all at once. I need people who will come alongside me and aide me in my venture. This requires true accountability and a desire to stick it out no matter what proximity we may have to each other.

Here are some of my goals for now:

Getting into a regular workout routine and maybe someone(s) to work out with

Finding a personal Bible study I can dig into

Finding and committing to a prayer partner

Getting my finances in order and staying on a budget

Paying down to 0 debt

and

Saving for seminary for next fall.

Will achieving these goals create a healthy state of mind or being? I don't know, but I'm sure willing to give it a shot!

I get it!

So I'm strolling along the Skycroft grounds enjoying dusk and the gorgeous view when some deer walk past me and take off. It was then that it hit me! They "high-tailed it outta there"!! LITERALLY! They were white-tailed deer and wwhen they took off, their tails went high in the air! "High-tail"!! Oh the things you learn when you take a stroll! :)

Note to self: always be more aware of your surroundings when you're out in the "woods", Missie!

A Thankful Revelation

I was reading my friend's blogs this morning, trying to catch up on her life and came across something she wrote that really touched me:
"We're faced with choices every day. We get to choose how we approach problems. There are times I want to wallow in self-pity and cry until I run dry but when faced with the choice I realize I don't truly want to do that. I was put here one earth to glorify my Creator in any way possible. If I can do that by choosing to have a good attitude in the midst of strife then that is what I choose. It's not a false front, it's a deep seated belief in who my Jesus is and that his plans are for my good and are to prosper me. When I'm settled in that belief the choice is easy. So today I chose joy and I thank God for his abundant blessings in my life, both now, and those to come. What will you chose today?"
I have been up and down lately about my situation in life right now and trying to remember that God is taking care of me. I truly am blessed in many ways and not going through near the difficulties my dear friend is but it does disheartening when I try to look at what I think as "the big picture".
Terri Ann called yesterday and was worried about me - whether or not I was okay. That is a blessing to have a big sister who worries about you. My mom calls once a week and although she doesn't actually say it, she's worried about where I am right now. I worry that my family thinks I'm a loser b/c of where I am right now. That's us! We're worriers!
My prayer is that from today moving forward I can adopt my friend's attitude about diversity. That I will remember Whose I am on a daily basis and let that guide my every step and every decision. Thank you Lord for giving me and Diesel a place to stay by my generous friends, for providing me with a job before I knew I'd need it, for having a place to store my stuff, for providing a well-running truck to get me to and from my job, and for loving me the whole time!
And thank you, Mel, for always being open to what God has planned for you.

Transitions

Transitions are always such a weird time in life; especially when it seems like an overall, overhaul of your life! I wonder sometimes why we are such gluttons for "stuff" when all it does is change us. My current transition is such that I am learning humility in a very real way. A lot of my material trappings are being stripped away and it is quite the transition! In Idaho, I had a great paying job that I loved (even if it did suck a lot of my personal life away), a GORGEOUS house virtually on the riverfront, a fun roomie, unparalleled natural beauty all around me and access to a lot of great outdoor fun.
I gave that all up for homesickness to move back to Baltimore/DC, live in a 1-bedroom apartment, still did the job I loved until I didn't love it anymore, gave that up for a slower-paced job, moved out of my apt (b/c I couldn't afford it anymore) into a friend's house, and had to learn to live with people again. The funny thing is, I have no permanent residence right now and I am content. I've always been a bit of a gypsy, but this is borderline homeless!! LOL!! And God still helps me to remain content. I am learning to be content in all circumstances!
HA! That just came to me! Phil 4:12 - "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
HUH - God you rock!

Whew

What a week! I am exhausted! I know the heat index has a lot to do with it, but MAN ALIVE it's HOT!
This summer has been truly exciting and I have enjoyed every minute of it! I've had the opportunity to see 90% of my family this year (which never happens!), I've been to youth camp for the first time in 4 years, I've witnessed a very good friend getting married, and I've moved (actually, still in the process!). I've played hard, prayed hard, and been run through the ringer in so many ways. I've been challenged physically, emotionally, and pushed almost to my spiritual limit. Jesus has been taking me on this journey of humility and I'm learning to embrace it in new ways every week. Right now, I am working on my application for seminary in New Orleans - hoping to go next fall ('11). Now THAT came out of left field at youth camp! (more details later) God is AWESOME!
The funny thing is, we're only halfway through the summer! I think I front-loaded too much!! :) The rest of the summer is pretty quiet- probably a good thing since it's so hot!!!

Trusting God

So after my week at reCHARGE, I have been in this aftermath haze of trusting God with everything that's going on in my life right now...WHICH IS A LOT!! I'm in limbo right now with my living situation, but I have several friends who have opened their homes to Diesel and me until we find something more permanent.
I've been pondering this whole "trusting God" thing and wondering why it has been so hard for me. I know God is faithful and I know he continues to take care of me even though it sometimes seems I am bound and determined to make a mess of my life. He has been there with me every step of the way my whole life and yet somehow I have been convinced otherwise. Thankfully, he loves me even through my unbelief - just like the father in mark 9 who's son was possessed. He declared directly to Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" when Jesus said to him, "Everything is possible for him who believes."
MAN ALIVE!! Can you imagine the Christ saying that to you and just wanting you to believe! He didn't need the father to believe in order to help his son, he wanted him to! WOW!! Jesus is waiting and wanting for me everyday to believe in him; to put my trust in him for all things no matter how great or small. Whew! It's as simple as declaring, "I DO BELIEVE! HELP ME OVERCOME MY UNBELIEF!"
That's how I want to start my day--everyday!

LOL

2 years later and no posts! Well I plan on having more to write about now!!