Little BIG Planet

I have to admit that I have a new addiction. I've never had very good hand-eye coordination so video games have never been high on my list of fun things to do. HOWEVER, Andy loves them (he has 2 systems) and I wanted to understand why he would continue to play a game that consistently frustrated and upset him. And then he sealed his fate by introducing me to Little BIG Planet. I'm hooked!
It's a fun, progressive game that reminds me vaguely of the original Mario Bros. on Nintendo. You're player is a little burlap sack doll that you can dress up and change out as you go through lands and gaining new wardrobe items. You also acquire stickers to decorate your environment whenever you feel like it. There are mostly no time constraints and there are portals that save your progress as you go along so if you die, you don't have to repeat the entire level all over again. I have to be careful to not lose too much of my time to this game! I cannot even express how addicting it is! And thus, I understand Andy's persistence!
The unexpected joys evolving out of learning this game with Andy's guidance are that he innately understands how I learn and teaches/guides me accordingly, it forces us to communicate differently (i.e. honey, I need you to follow me, b/c if you don't, I'll die...), and it has taught me to persist even in the face of certain death! (Ok, well the death of my rag doll, but still!)
Why am I rambling about this game? Because tonight as I was playing a particularly difficult level, Andy quietly delivers a piece of Truth that blew me away. My doll had to move from rotating wheel to rotating wheel, progressively moving higher, collecting the point bubbles, and get to the end without dying too many times. Yeah, sounds simple right? NOT! I was frustrated and yelling at my doll b/c I was so paranoid of falling that I couldn't get one finger to release the button that causes the doll to let go so my other finger could hit the button to jump to the next wheel! I SIMPLY COULDN'T LET GO!!!
This is when my husband says to me (paraphrasing), "You know, this would be something good to share with your kids (students). Sometimes trusting God is simply letting go of something to which you're holding on too tightly." Since he had taken over this part for me b/c I was ready to throw the controller at the TV, I pondered the weight of those words for a moment.
How many times have I held on to something that was so seemingly significant to me? Completely unwilling to trust God with whatever that person, object, situation, or whatever. Then I thought, How would I communicate that to teenagers? How do I help them understand that there are times that we have to let go, so God can take us to the next level? Then I thought, I could make a whole lesson out of this! Whatever it takes, even if I have to take the game system into Bible study with me, this is a HUGE concept. It has the potential to affect our very theology (our understanding of God)!
God has truly blessed me by giving me a husband who is so intuitive and passionate about Truth and justice. Honestly, I think Andy has missed his calling in life. My belief is that someday soon, God will call Andy to be a preacher in some shape, form, or fashion. My prayer is that Andy will answer that call, b/c he is a gifted speaker who loves the Lord and wants the Truth to be heard!

Seminary Assignment that Hopefully Turns Into an Awesome Journey

It's my 5th week at NOBTS and in my Spiritual Formations class I'm required to keep a journal, in any form, of my journey over the next semester. I've been wanting to get into the habit of regular blogging but just never took the time to do anything about it. Hopefully, with the incentive of getting a good grade, I will be able to stick with this and it turns into a source of hope for myself as I see God’s hand working throughout my life!

To catch up on the life of Missie this year would take more room than I care to commit to at this time, but here are some highlights:

1. I met Allen Jackson, professor of student ministry at NOBTS, last year at camp. After an astonishingly short conversation, a quick website search, and a night of prayer I decided that NOBTS was the place God was leading me to.

2. I got fired from my job at the chiropractor.

3. I took on more hours at Skycroft, then got laid off in December due to budget cuts.

4. I was unemployed for almost 2 months and then took a job at Let’s Dish.

5. March 20^th, 2011 at about 10:30 a.m. I met the man of my dreams, Andy Wiedman in the hallway at church. (Incidentally, it was the Sunday before I was supposed to leave for a preview weekend at NOBTS!)

Ø We had lunch with the singles, went for a hike at Savage Mill, exchanged phone numbers, and Andy had asked me out to dinner before I left for New Orleans by day’s end.

NOTE: My good friend, Rich, had to spell it out for me that Andy was asking me out on a date.

6. By the end of the week, we decided to officially date.

7. Two weeks later, we were talking about the future of our relationship and quickly realized that we were going to get married.

8. Mother’s Day weekend we drove to Texas (at my parents’ invite) and Andy asked Daddy if he could marry me.

9. July 29^th, 2011 at 7 p.m. I married the man God made for me. We honeymooned in Maui and made it back 2 weeks later in time for my niece’s wedding in Lubbock.

10. Another week later, we moved onto the NOBTS campus! Orientation was the next day and we haven’t stopped since!

That’s a lot to happen in one person’s life in just over a year but such is life! These last 5 weeks have proven to push me beyond a lot of boundaries I had built around my life. Boundaries that were meant to protect me from pain, trying new things, being willing to bend to God’s will, and so much more. These boundaries have kept me from enjoying the life God intended for me. And it seems that, since Allen and I met last year, he has had me on a journey of breaking through boundary after boundary. It’s been difficult and confusing at times. This I do know, my faithful God has a plan for my life and no matter what goes on around me, and He is guiding me to that end. I simply have to remember that, keep my eyes on Him, and be faithful to where He has me in that moment.

I’m hoping to record what I learn every day in class and what Andy I discover together to see the evolution of my growth from spiritual/intellectual stagnation to consistent flourishing. Please pray for me as I continue on this journey! Because I am going to need it, as will Andy (maybe more so for him)!

So Long, Insecurity

I love my dad more than I'm able to express sometimes. He knows me better than almost anyone else I know (except maybe my mom!) and can read me like a book. He allows me the freedom to ask to speak to "dad" or "psychologist" or "theologian" or any other hat. He never claims to have all the answers but he always turns me back to God and reminds me that all answers come from my Maker.

When I told dad about a book I was looking into reading, he checked it out and got it for me; without discussion. He knows me well enough to know how much I needed to read what lay inside its pages.

So Long, Insecurity was written by Beth Moore this year and it's timing could not have been more perfect in my life. I have already made it halfway through, but it's taken me to this point to be able to talk about it a little bit. You see, the first half is mostly focused on the roots of insecurity and the experiences we have as women that lead to all levels of it.

I am just now getting to the healing portion and I'm already BLOWN AWAY!! Beth dissects a portrait of Proverbs' "woman of valor" - 'She is clothed with strength and dignity.' I mean she breaks it down word for word! Here are some points that really stuck out to me:

1. ...part of any woman's healing from insecurity inevitably involves reclaiming her God-given dignity.

2. ...the most common feeling I get when I've let my insecurity surface, it is the sense of being overexposed.

3. I have come to a place where I'm willing to be transparent with my insecurity, but I find great relief that human eyes have to see it through the filter-the clothing-of God-given strength and dignity. I don't have to stand before you or anybody else in total emotional nakedness. I have a scriptural covering that gives me the courage to expose my most personal self.

4. What would happen if, in the moment you feel hit by that miserable wave (of insecurity), you remind yourself emphatically that you are a God-clothed woman of valor and you have the privilege to wear divine strength like a garment?

5. Pride is dignity's counterfeit. Never lose sight of that. We don't forfeit our humility in order to get over insecurity.

6. You and I, along with every other human on this planet, possess dignity because God himself has it and he created us in his image...God didn't just confer dignity to us...He crowned us with it.

7. To possess dignity is to be worthy of respect. Worthy of high esteem. Absorb this: YOU ARE WORTHY OF RESPECT. (emphasis added)

8. OUR POSSESSION OF DIGNITY IS NOT ALWAYS SOMETHING WE FEEL. IT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING WE KNOW. SOMETHING WE EMPHATICALLY CLAIM. (emphasis added)

I don't have too much to add to that! It was so profound for me that I had to share it. I'd welcome any thoughts.

God you are amazing! Thank you for this gift! This treasure! May all women be given a opportunity to read this message you have given through Beth. I LOVE YOU!

Healthy...State of mind, or state of being?

I went to Patient First this week and was diagnosed with Bronchitis. When they did my vitals and basic stats, I weighed out at 199.5 lbs. This is not a total surprise given that I haven't been very active since the beginning of summer. I was on a great track at the end of last year and into the first 4 months of this year; hit a slippery slope and never recovered.

I could use the excuse of the stress of repeated, unsuccessful attempts to find a permanent place to live; or the process of moving from depending on one friend's kindness to another's; or the heart-changing experience at ReCharge in July; or getting fired from the doctor's office; or the crazy amount of traveling I do with my new job at Skycroft. A good friend asked me the other day, "Why didn't I know about (such and such) changes in your life? Why didn't you tell me?" Another friend standing there said, "This is Missie we're talking about. Her life changes all the time!"

It made me wonder about where I am right now and where I'm headed. I had a revelation at reCharge that made me think even deeper about what that conversation meant. My revelation was that I have been trying to fix my outward appearance for a long time and have been very unsuccessful overall. Any weight-loss attempts worked at the time, but never had staying power. I realized that before I can change my outward appearance, I have to let God change my insides. I haven't been "right" since Michael died and I know some people have wondered why it was so scarring when our adult relationship had been so distant; my response to them, is that it is something you are not required to understand. And I say that lovingly, but firmly. Let me grieve and move on in my own way. Part of that grief has been that my relationship with God was so altered after that event. It seemed that I was on the right path: I was serving in my church, having my quiet time, you know - doing my "Christian thing".

So why did I almost turn away. And even after I came back, why did I/do I still live as if I have no faith? I was going to church and doing my "Christian thing" again, so where was I going? Nowhere - directionless. It didn't hit me until ReCharge while listening to a man's testimony about running from God that I was realized that I was running. And I ran - right out of worship, out of the building, just to get away from what God was literally impressing upon my heart. But the thing is, we can only run from God for so long until we hit a fork in the road. You either choose to stay away or you realize you don't want to run anymore and you surrender to Him. And I did; I surrendered. I rediscovered love for my Savior and my passion for teaching young people the Bible and for showing compassion to others.

The funny thing is, I don't allow myself to be loved, or taught, or to be shown compassion. Something inside me tells me that at any moment, a friendship will be revoked, someone's love will be retracted, a pure offer of mercy & compassion will be taken back and there's not one thing in this world I can do about it. And it's all true! Our relationships are HUMAN relationships: inherently flawed. My friend will probably come to the decision that they no longer think it's worth it to be my friend anymore - my loved one will decided it's not worth their time to love me anymore - my friends will decide that there's a limit to the amount of mercy and compassion allotted to one person and I have reached my quota.

Here's the beautiful thing - with Jesus, there are no limitations on friendship, love, mercy, & compassion. His love knows no bounds. I need to wake up everyday remembering that and no put such high expectations on the people in my life. They are, just as I am, flawed humans.

And that's where I stand right now...a flawed human wanting to change not only my outsides, but also my insides. But I can't do this alone, nor can I do it all at once. I need people who will come alongside me and aide me in my venture. This requires true accountability and a desire to stick it out no matter what proximity we may have to each other.

Here are some of my goals for now:

Getting into a regular workout routine and maybe someone(s) to work out with

Finding a personal Bible study I can dig into

Finding and committing to a prayer partner

Getting my finances in order and staying on a budget

Paying down to 0 debt

and

Saving for seminary for next fall.

Will achieving these goals create a healthy state of mind or being? I don't know, but I'm sure willing to give it a shot!

I get it!

So I'm strolling along the Skycroft grounds enjoying dusk and the gorgeous view when some deer walk past me and take off. It was then that it hit me! They "high-tailed it outta there"!! LITERALLY! They were white-tailed deer and wwhen they took off, their tails went high in the air! "High-tail"!! Oh the things you learn when you take a stroll! :)

Note to self: always be more aware of your surroundings when you're out in the "woods", Missie!

A Thankful Revelation

I was reading my friend's blogs this morning, trying to catch up on her life and came across something she wrote that really touched me:
"We're faced with choices every day. We get to choose how we approach problems. There are times I want to wallow in self-pity and cry until I run dry but when faced with the choice I realize I don't truly want to do that. I was put here one earth to glorify my Creator in any way possible. If I can do that by choosing to have a good attitude in the midst of strife then that is what I choose. It's not a false front, it's a deep seated belief in who my Jesus is and that his plans are for my good and are to prosper me. When I'm settled in that belief the choice is easy. So today I chose joy and I thank God for his abundant blessings in my life, both now, and those to come. What will you chose today?"
I have been up and down lately about my situation in life right now and trying to remember that God is taking care of me. I truly am blessed in many ways and not going through near the difficulties my dear friend is but it does disheartening when I try to look at what I think as "the big picture".
Terri Ann called yesterday and was worried about me - whether or not I was okay. That is a blessing to have a big sister who worries about you. My mom calls once a week and although she doesn't actually say it, she's worried about where I am right now. I worry that my family thinks I'm a loser b/c of where I am right now. That's us! We're worriers!
My prayer is that from today moving forward I can adopt my friend's attitude about diversity. That I will remember Whose I am on a daily basis and let that guide my every step and every decision. Thank you Lord for giving me and Diesel a place to stay by my generous friends, for providing me with a job before I knew I'd need it, for having a place to store my stuff, for providing a well-running truck to get me to and from my job, and for loving me the whole time!
And thank you, Mel, for always being open to what God has planned for you.

Transitions

Transitions are always such a weird time in life; especially when it seems like an overall, overhaul of your life! I wonder sometimes why we are such gluttons for "stuff" when all it does is change us. My current transition is such that I am learning humility in a very real way. A lot of my material trappings are being stripped away and it is quite the transition! In Idaho, I had a great paying job that I loved (even if it did suck a lot of my personal life away), a GORGEOUS house virtually on the riverfront, a fun roomie, unparalleled natural beauty all around me and access to a lot of great outdoor fun.
I gave that all up for homesickness to move back to Baltimore/DC, live in a 1-bedroom apartment, still did the job I loved until I didn't love it anymore, gave that up for a slower-paced job, moved out of my apt (b/c I couldn't afford it anymore) into a friend's house, and had to learn to live with people again. The funny thing is, I have no permanent residence right now and I am content. I've always been a bit of a gypsy, but this is borderline homeless!! LOL!! And God still helps me to remain content. I am learning to be content in all circumstances!
HA! That just came to me! Phil 4:12 - "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
HUH - God you rock!