Past...Present...Future

This past week I finally got a replacement phone (thanks to my thoughtful father-in-law) to tide me over until our upgrade in March. This may not seem like a big deal, but I've been fighting with my old "phone" for a year now.
As I was downloading some apps to new-to-me phone, I began to get frustrated at the different operating system and actually started to miss my old "phone"! In that brief moment I forgot that the old "phone" made up its own mind about when I would get a call or a text, it turned off repeatedly with no warning, apps took several minutes to load, and, when it came time to transfer info to the new phone, it completely denied the professionals access to its information! And yet, despite the enormous inconvenience in that moment, I missed that "phone" because it was familiar and safe.
I found myself grumbling for a moment and then it hit me what was actually happening. The past was inconvenient, inconsistent, and unreliable; but at least I knew what to expect. The present was untested, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable; therefore, I wanted to go back.
You might be thinking, "Girl, you've got too much time on your hands. It's just a cell phone. You'll get used to it."
Well in that same moment, it occurred to me that this is how we function most of the time - we either romanticize the past and desire to go back to the familiar b/c we at least knew what to expect, or we fantasize about the future and all of its possibilities. Rarely do we exist in the present. Ironically, that is the only time period in which we are capable of existing and we do not honor it for what it is: a gift (yeah, I went there).
Author Jim Elliot once said,

“Wherever you are, be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.”

Why do we seem incapable of living as such? Embracing each moment as they come in anticipation of how God will use us? I'm not saying that looking back on the past is bad. Nor am I saying that looking forward to the future is futile. What I am saying is that we often focus on those moments more than we focus on the present and all it has to offer.

Let me give a prime example of how I have lived this way. This summer I had a project that needed to be completed by a certain day. I had recruited some of my students to help me and they threw themselves at it enthusiastically, albeit with numerous distractions. My approach was to plow through to get the project done b/c we had a deadline. Their approach was to have fun and enjoy us all being together in the process. As my frustration mounted, a moment came when a knife slipped off the table and the tip stabbed my big toe. Understandably, they freaked out; but all I could think of was how the stabbing resulted in jerking me out of my task-oriented mindset and reminded me to just enjoy being with these wonderful kids who actually wanted to hang out and spend time with me, no matter what we were doing. They were existing in the present and I joined them there, happily (after stemming the tide of blood that was coming out of my toe!).

That "stabbing" and the moment with my new phone have served to convict this borderline-Type-A new momma/masters student/would-be writer to try and live for the present as often as I am able. The future is coming no matter what I do and the past has already happened. 

My goal is striving to focus more often on the present and making those moments more intentional by "being all there" and enjoying the gifts they always present (get it;) ).

Being Jean and Wolverine

At lunch on Sunday, I was compelled to apologize for careless words I had spoken to my husband last week in the throws of a rare meltdown. Generally speaking I am calm, rational, and possess the ability to filter my emotions and thoughts. The filter looks like this:

"What do I know to be true about this situation?" "What do I know to be true about Andy?" "What do I know to be true about me?" "What external/environmental/situational factors are affecting my emotions right now?" "How do I want to respond?" "How can I respond that is more loving?" "How can I concisely communicate all of this to Andy?"

However, lack of sleep and academic strain wore down this filter and, thus, my rationale. I found myself downward-spiraling too far into my head (ladies, I'm sure you'll understand what I mean) and I spoke from that place.

Not good.

Being the "slow processor" that I am, it took me several days to filter through what happened, process the full implications, decipher what I should take away from it, and then determine how to communicate all of that to Andy in a concise manner.
(Yes, it took that long.)

Thankfully, I married a rational man who (though passionate) can be calm in the face of adversity and respond calmly. It was absolutely necessary for me to apologize and acknowledge that I had wronged him both in my words and my actions. But I was not prepared for his response.

In his calm, he acknowledged and affirmed my apology. He explained his view that men are structurally designed by God to be strong and endure physical strain. They are built to compartmentalize and are capable of setting their emotions aside in a moment in order to deal with a given situation.

He then took it a step further and explained that he sees situations such as these much like the scene when Wolverine kills Jean (Phoenix) in the movie X-Men: The Last Stand. At that moment, she was the embodiment of raw emotion and power, and Wolverine was calm and rational. He knew his role and held her in that moment. He did what had to be done while she was in that moment.

Now, please don't hear what Andy was not saying! By no means was he saying that a husband should kill his wife when she is in the midst of a meltdown! (No matter how much he may want to!)

Andy's point, rather, was that a man knows there are going to be difficult moments and man is built to withstand heavy loads.  When his wife is feeling a heavy burden and laying that on him, a man will stand there and accept it, just as a lighthouse withstands the waves from a storm. In those moments, she needs the freedom to release that pressure and he allows her that freedom becasue he is built to take that. In that moment he sets his desires aside to allow her that moment of release. He doesn't consider an out. He doesn't cut his losses because it's too hard and/or she's too "high maintenance." He stands his ground (just as Wolverine did) and rides it out with her. He makes the hard decision to absorb and not reflect the emotion back on her as opposed to another X-men moment in X-Men: First Class when Shaw demonstrates his ability to absorb energy and reflect it back on his opponents.

In the aftermath of the moment, he can then be the strength to revisit the driving force behind her needs and address the matter.

I am blessed with such a man. Our short courtship gave us little time to learn things about each other before marriage, but he has committed to love me NO MATTER WHAT.

One of my biggest pet peeves is the stereotype about how irrational women are and than our husbands are dullards that we must "mother" through our marriages.
It is a strong desire of mine that I not embody that stereotype.  Let's face it though, I am a woman. I am an emotional creature. My belief is that, just as men are built to carry physical burdens, women are built to carry emotional burdens. Our capacity for love, hate, fear, trust, compassion, intolerance, etc. is big and inconceivable for most men. (Hermione describes this quite accurately!)

Andy always says that it's up to me to either change the things I don't like about myself or to accept them. I wholeheartedly agree! I must accept that I am an emotional creature and that I was made to feel the gamut of emotions on a daily (if not hourly) basis. However, I must also choose to recognize when my emotions begin to take over and communicate this with him before they escalate out of control and I turn into Phoenix.

When that does happen (notice, I said when, because I'm human), Andy must also choose to bear those burdens in those moments and absorb the blow or reflect the damage back at me.

The key word in all of this is "choice."

Strength in Weakness

On a visit to my parents house last year, I was trying to do something that I was physically capable of handling on my own, but Andy said something so profound and so sweet that it still resonates with me today:

"I know you're strong enough, but can I please help you?"

This may not initially seem like a big deal, but for someone who was used to doing things on her own and learning how to take care of herself in as many ways as possible, it was most definitely a big deal.

Lately, I have been pretty sick and very dependent upon my husband to an extent that has stretched my sense of independence. He has catered to my needs, encouraged and fought for my rest, and stroked my brow to help me achieve much-fought for sleep. Everyday he goes to work and still cares for me when he gets home. Andy expresses his appreciation for my efforts at home and extols my academic efforts, as well. He brags on me and encourages me to pursue Yahweh's calling on my life. He is truly my helpmate.

In an even larger way, Andy's desire to relieve my burden demonstrates Christ to me. All too often, we strive to live out our lives on our own strength and under our own power. Pride gets in the way and shames any weaknesses that are a given in life. After all,

"I truly can do this on my own, for corn's sake! I took care of myself for years and learned how to do things without anyone's help. I was strong because I had to be strong. Who else was going to take care of me?!"

Yep. That was my mindset. Never mind the fact that Yahweh was my Sustainer.

I was independent and could do it on my own. 
               I was not weak. 
                            I could not be weak. 
                                          There is no room for weakness in the world.

Such fallacy is a dangerous message from the world.

 Check out what the Bible has to say about weakness:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, 

for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my 

weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest 

upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content 

with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, 

and calamities. For when I am weak, 

then I am strong. - 2 Cor. 12:9–10.

For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, 

Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets—who through faith 

conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, 

stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, 

escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, 

became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight....And all these, 

though commended through their faith, did not receive 

what was promised, since God had provided something better for us,

 that apart from us they should not be made perfect. - Heb 11:32–34, 39–40.

Since then we have a great high priest who has 

passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God,

 let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest

 who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, 

but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, 

yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near 

to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy 

and find grace to help in time of need. - Heb 4:14–16.

Even our Messiah endured weakness during his time on earth in order to relate to us and give us the confidence to approach the throne of grace in our weakness that we may receive his strength.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” - Mt 11:28–30.

 

A yoke is a wooden contraption to ensure that two work animals walk parallel with each other in order to share the burden of plowing or pulling. In the Bible, a yoke is consistently referred to as parable for spiritual burden (Dt 28:48, Is 9:4, Hos 10:11, Ac 15:10). The weight of this burden was carried seemingly without a respite in sight. However, Jesus knew of the various yokes that were placed upon his people long ago and the self-imposed yokes they were bearing. When he came to serve as the sacrificial lamb, he desired for them to relinquish themselves of carrying the sole responsibility of their spiritual burdens and trust him as the Messiah for whom they had long-awaited. He desired to be their rest, their Sustainer, their yoke-carrier. All it took was for them to make that choice to trust him.

The same is true for us today. While I have given my life to Yeshua the Messiah, I must continually surrender to him any load that comes my way. The burdens they represent are far weightier than any he intended me to bear. It is up to me to surrender each burden and let him bear the load. Just as he bore the weight of the sin of world when he died on the cross as the final sacrificial lamb, was buried, and rose on the third day as the Savior of the world. As he said in Matthew 11:30, "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

  Cast your burden on the LORD,
      and he will sustain you;
                  he will never permit
      the righteous to be moved. - Ps 55:22.

            I lay down and slept;
      I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.

- Ps 3:5.

My husband's words are so similar to the Savior's words (albeit, on a much more human level) and serve to remind me that my weaknesses and burdens do not have to be carried alone.  I only have to relinquish them to the throne of grace and take up his yoke in which I will find all the strength needed to sustain in this life.

"I know you're strong enough, but can I please help you?"