Questions, Questions, and more Questions

We're on Spring Break. You'd think this would be a "WOOHOO!! Spring BREAK!!" kind of break but it hasn't been. I've been in a funk for over a week now and I've considered it to be a bad thing until I did some thinking in the last 2 days. It seems that when I walk away from my History of Early Christianity and Biblical Hermeneutics classes I am leaving with more questions than answers.  When I go through the readings for both of them I am caught (most of the time) in the intricacies of things I've never thought of before, and have never been challenged on before.  Now I feel as though I'm questioning everything as though I'm a new believer in Christ.  This has been a bit unsettling since I've been a believer for most of my life.  Sadly, I haven't asked, nor have I been asked few of the questions I am now pondering.

At times, they make my head spin because the answers seem so circular.  At one point a few weeks ago I was even questioning my faith. Thankfully, a long and blunt conversation with Dr. England cleared that up for me. As I have pondered some of my questions over the past few days, it finally hit me: I have no answers right now.  If a lost person were to ask me these questions, I would have no response! That's scary! Me. A lifelong believer. And I have no answers...yet. The fun part about being here and having such open access to scholars like my professors is that they are willing to give up their time (yes, sometimes their class time) to address such questions in order for us to be stronger and more confident in what we believe.  This is not a bad thing. Coming away with more questions just means there's more I have to learn.  It means that for the first time in a long time or maybe ever, this lifelong believer is being pushed to ponder the hard questions and learning to defend what she believes.

So here are some of my ponderings over the past few months (in particular order of urgency):

          - Was Jesus really a rabbi or was that a moniker given to him because of his apparent wisdom?

          - As New Testament Christians, are we supposed to continue following the Torah? Not the                     sacrifices, because those were made obsolete with Christ's sacrifice.  If we are, why aren't                   we doing it? If we aren't doing it, does that mean we are deliberately or unintentionally                       disobeying God?

          - If we have been disobeying God by not following Torah, why would he allow this to continue             for over 2,000 years? Is this the God we love and worship and serve?

          - Does the modern, or post-modern, church perform the Lord's Supper as Jesus intended it?
            Shouldn't it look more like the Passover meal? Or was it only using elements of the
            Passover Meal?

          - Why do we meet every week at a building en masse? Shouldn't we be meeting in smaller
            groups regularly and then only come to 'the church' once a quarter or twice a year? (Simply
            looking at the early church and how they functioned.)  Have we lost some of the salience of
            experiencing God on a corporate level because we simply "do" church every week?

          - Which Bible should we be reading: the Hebrew Bible (which is to be organized more
            cohesively and chronologically) or the "regular" Bible (the one we have always read)?

So. Yeah. Some heavy stuff in there, but the good thing is that I do have answers to some of them. The rest....well, it's a work in progress. 

As Dr. England has taught me from the very first day of Old Testament Survey, "What does the text say?" So, my search continues in God's word and with the help of Andy and some verrrry helpful professors!

Two significant conversations

In the last two weeks I've asked two professors if I could meet with them to calm some fears and concerns I've been having.

One was with my mentor, Dr. Allen Jackson, and the other was Dr. Archie England.  Dr. Jackson in the guy in Student Ministry and Dr. England is an Old Testament and Hebrew professor. These two men have had such a profound effect on my personal and spiritual life and it's difficult to explain how much I value their insights and knowledge.

In a way, I think I needed someone I respect as a spiritual leader to tell me it was okay (or, give me permission) for my heart to be devoted to Andy right now and to learn how to serve him as his new wife.  I have spent my entire adult life serving my own needs and serving the church through student ministry.  It absorbed every part of my heart and it was enjoyable to strive to teach teenagers about Christ and the plan he has for their lives.

But, after meeting Andy, I found my heart divided for the first time and felt guilty that I couldn't wait for youth activities to be over so I could spend time with him.  Then, when we moved to NOLA and I found myself not wanting to serve in the church right away, I felt guilty for not serving in the church.  I shared my concerns with Dr. Jackson and he assured me that it was perfectly normal for my heart to be devoted to my husband; that's how God designed marriage! This season in our lives is about learning to be one where before, we were two.  That is a monumental task in of itself! Dr. J assured me that my heart was in the right place and that, when I was ready, my heart would be nudged at to serve again.  What's cool is that I am learning my priorities as a person devoted to serving Christ: God > Husband > Church...in that order.

My second conversation with Dr. England was this afternoon and it dispelled a lot of questions that have arisen during conversations with Andy.  Probably for the first time in my adult life, I am being pushed to think about aspects of my faith that I have never ventured to even consider or never dared to question before.  In all honesty, my faith was a bit shaken this week when these questions arose; but Dr. England was readily available to help me wade through them and work my way back to the truth. The fun part was realizing that I knew more than I thought I did about each question but I had gotten so caught up in the emotion of it all, that the knowledge was put on the back burner.

Through the course of our conversation Dr. England repeatedly reminded me to "Go back to the text. What does the text say?" And we did; we repeatedly dug in the Word to discover what God said about each concern. It was very comforting to read God's word in such a manner!

As a result of my training in church history, Old Testament Survey, and my relationships with these two godly men I am beginning to grasp "the big picture" that is this life in Christ. It is static, ever-changing, fluid, and messy. But I am taking comfort in the knowledge that I have absolute truth in God's holy word.  No matter my situations, he has given me direction and stability in him and his son, Jesus.  THAT is my comfort. THAT is my point of reference. Anytime I look elsewhere, I sink (much like Peter!). When I set my eyes on Jesus and look to his word for guidance,I will never be swayed.  May I never lose sight of that!