A change?

This Sunday, our pastor preached on the brokenness of communities, families, and individuals. His premise was that this brokenness is merely symptomatic of a problem with the heart (Mark 7). This heart problem begins with the individual and our sin natures. In our base natures we are selfish, vain, lazy, and self-seeking.  He read in Deuteronomy 11 about the phylacteries used in Judaism to carry out the command to have our lives completely surrounded with the commands of God  by binding them on our arms and our heads and to teach them to our children.  Scripture should be such a part of our lives that we are constantly thinking of God's commands and his promises.  Chad's powerful, but not judgmental, charge to the men of the church was the responsibility of leading their families in true Biblical meditation (filling our minds with God's word, not emptying them completely as taught in Eastern mediation). Psalm 1 tells us what this looks like; thinking about God's word day and night. When we do this, they remain on our hearts and minds even when do not have the physical scriptures in hand.  At the closing of the service, he opened the altar for response from the people to come forward and pray for God's guidance, conviction to meditate, and to render our hearts to God in order to be closer to him.

In obedience to what God was impressing upon his heart, Andy took my hand and we went forward and prayed together for God to lead our home and instill within us this desire to read his word, to meditate on it, and to make it such a part of our lives that we cannot live out our lives without spending time with him. God spoke through Chad to us as a couple by saying, "maybe it's that you are struggling as a couple for loving the things of this world instead of Jesus"; "maybe it's that you are feeling lead to serve in the church and you want to ask God for leading on that". As we went forward I was moved by Andy's willingness to humble himself and ask all of that from God.

The lingering movement in my soul through this sermon was anunexpected answer to prayer that God has gifted to me.  I have longed to return to that life of soaking in God's word and letting it settle into my bones.  Since my brother's death, my heart has been through a meat grinder and the result has been a hodgepodge of existence in which I struggle to even have a prayer life with my Savior, much less soaking in his word.  I virtually coined the phrase 'I want to want to study, but it's just not there!' but the drive seemed to have disappeared. But in my further reading of The Me I Want to Be by Foster, I am learning that striving and trying to do this on my own is impossible.  I do not have the willpower to exercise, have a quiet time, eat right, or even socialize with strangers (a big fear of mine) unless God is accomplishing it through me.  Not my willpower, but HIS power. This is the reason for my consistent failure in this area of my life. 

So my prayer this week (and from this point forward) has been that God would move my heart to the point that I need to be with him everyday. That Andy needs to be with him everyday.  I cannot imagine a day spent without Andy in my life anymore.  My prayer is that my desire for God's presence in my life is infinitely more so.

With that in mind, my assignment for Spiritual Formations for the spring is to choose a spiritual discipline I will be concentrating on and form a plan to develop it.  In light of Sundays events, I chose Bible study.  My focus will be on the book of Philemon because a friends recently told me that she had done a study in that book and had never realized the 'meat' that was in it.  I prayed about it and feel the Lord's leading as such, so for the next few months I will be studying and memorizing Philemon.  I'm kinda excited about it!

Please pray for my heart and I endeavor on this adventure as I am sure the Enemy will be certain to attempt sabotage.  Pray for Andy on his own journey of discovering Scriptures influence in his heart and life as well as leading our family.

Note: If you want to hear the sermon, it's available online http://sermon.net/edgewater.

 

The Biggest Loser, Running, and The Me I Want to Be

Andy and I have been devouring (if you'll forgive the pun) the first 3 seasons of The Biggest Loser these past two weeks and it has been inspiring for me. Beyond the entertainment value of the competition, the show is filled with helpful tips to a healthier lifestyle.  I am also contemplating doing my 3rd half marathon in the Rock n' Roll Half Marathon Series here in NOLA in March. Andy got me a Forerunner to help with my training and it's awesome! For my Spiritual Formations class this semester we are reading The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg. I found the first two chapters a little repetitive initially but I really got into the 3rd and 4th chapters.  He discusses the disparity between our current ME and God's version of ME; the life God intends for us and the one we settle for when we try to close the gap between us and God with our own strength. "Some people think if they just try harder, they can close the gap between the me God made them to be and the the me that currently exists. They think they are simply not being heroic enough in their spiritual effort." He then goes on to further describe the vicious cycle that ensues when this is attempted: there is guilt over a "lack" of something in life > this leads to attempts to "try harder" > eventually fatigue or boredom sets in > the activity is abandoned and you quit > this leads to guilt, etc. ad nauseum.

What in the world am I rambling about at one o'clock in the morning? These are all linked in my heart right now. I am watching people change their lives with the help of someone who knows more and desires to see their lives changed (not just externally, but internally as well) forever. I think to myself, 'I can do this! They're doing it so there's no reason I can't.' I get ready to go running and then find any lame excuse possible not to work out. I want Andy to do this with me. I need to clean the apartment. I have homework to do. I'm so hooked on Ugly Betty. I have some errands I need to run. It's rainy. I don't have enough gas to get to the park. You name it, and I've probably thought of the excuse. Add to that Ortberg's encouraging admonition that I can do none of these things I want for my life apart from him.  Nothing. 

The frustrating thing is the invisible barrier that is preventing me from working towards my goals. I want to have a regular quiet time with my Savior. I want to have a healthier life in which I'm not always tired and/or suffering from insomnia. I want to regain my passion for writing that was lost, like so many of my pursuits, when Michael passed away.  I want to be able to run again without my lungs feeling like there's a ton of bricks in them. I want/NEED to connect with people here in NOLA and begin to form meaningful relationships like the ones I have in Idaho and Maryland. (In doing so, maybe abating some serious homesickness for both of my home states. I miss my friends and family there but I want to form good relationships here as well.) Interestingly enough, these all require effort. But when I extend said effort and I fail (which I have repeatedly), I quit...then I feel guilty...then I try harder and fizzle out quickly...and I quit. Sound familiar? So, what now? Where do I go from here?

During class discussion on these particular chapters, I was reminded of a saying that I use quite often: You truly know what matters and who matters in your life by the time and effort you spend on them.  Examining this simple philosophy, Andy is what matters most in my life right now; good, bad, or indifferent he is my main focus. (Caveat: he is not my only focus, just my main one.)  I love spending time with my husband! I love to have the apartment tidy when he comes home so my focus can be on him and not on the 20 things I see wrong and that need my attention. I love going out to eat with him and critiquing everything about the experience.  I love playing video games with him and watching him get frustrated when I'm not playing 'correctly'. I love sitting on the couch reading while he plays a video game. I love going for a drive with him just to look at the beautiful homes in NOLA and dreaming about what our home will look like.  I love falling asleep next to him, waking up to him sawing logs, and then poking him to roll over.  I can't get enough of him!

As this thought has run through my head it occurred to me that this is how God perceives me. He loves spending time with me. He loves it when I finally understand something he's been trying to show me for ages. He loves it when my heart is drawn to his beauty that is all around me.  He loves to show himself through the simplest moments in my life.  He loves to provide for me and show me in countless ways that he's got my back.  He loves my failing attempts at whatever suits my fancy in the moment. He loves my structured spontaneity and my love for organizing. He loves my attempts to express my love for Andy and the rest of my family even if it's lost on them. My God loves me no matter what because of his grace.  He pursues me daily. He longs for my time but does not guilt trip me when I don't give it to him. 

I cannot be in relationship with God unless he desires relationship with me. AND HE DOES! I cannot achieve anything in my life apart from him.  My marriage will not be successful, my health will not flourish, I will never commit to regular writing, relationships will not just suddenly appear in my life, and I will not spend the time with him unless my heart is on him and I rely on his strength ALONE - not my own efforts.  I can only guess that this manifests itself in just talking to him whenever I can and asking for that direction and strength. Ortberg says that, "God's plan is not just for us to be saved by grace - it is for us to live by grace." I'd like to live that life; a life that overflows with grace.