Not-so-gentle Wrist Slap Reconsideration

Last week during Bible study I was not-so-gently reminded that I'm not as awesome as I think.

During our discussion a new member of our group shared an insight that immediately, and internally, prompted a response from me that I'm almost too ashamed to admit: "Well, that was stupid!"


 
Yeah, I know. Real classy.

 In that moment, I got an internal reprimand that still stings.  God gave me the proverbial 'smackdown' of wrist slaps. "How dare you.  He is mine and this is a profound concept for him.  At one point in our relationship it was profound for you, too. How easily you forget."


Oy vey.


The longer I am at seminary, the more I realize how little I actually know.  And it would serve me well to remember this everyday.  Despite how far I go in my studies, it is important for me to remember that my personal relationship with God is the most important thing in my life.  Every book read, every paper written, every exam taken impacts my relationship with my Creator. 

And just because I am learning more about Him in an academic setting doesn't mean that I am better than those who are not.  It just increases the weight of responsibility that is upon me to share this knowledge with others. Lovingly. With respect.

We are called to make disciples. I am not more important than other people because of my education. I, too, was/am ignorant of the things of God. 

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone." - Titus 3:3-8

Jesus generously poured out Himself for all of us and He continues to make Himself available to intimately know Him through His Word.  Since my calling was to further my knowledge on an academic level, it is upon me to share that knowledge with whomever is willing to listen - always with humility and respect.

Lesson learned.  And hopefully remembered.

Ethics of Life

I wrote this two months ago and forgot to post it! BUSY two months!

ethics  plural of eth·ics (Noun)

Noun

1. Moral principles that govern a person's or group's behavior.
2. The moral correctness of specified conduct.              

Contentment...is it even possible on this side of Heaven?

This morning I have been pondering recent conversations about contentment. I did a quick search and the results were interesting, to say the least:

 

Pro 19:23 - The fear of the LORD leads to life; then one rests content, untouched by trouble.

Ecc 4:8 - There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?" This too is meaningless-- a miserable business!

Luk 3:14 - Then some soldiers asked him, "And what should we do?" He replied, "Don't extort money and don't accuse people falsely--be content with your pay."

Phl 4:11 - I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

Phl 4:12 - I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

1Ti 6:8 - But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Hbr 13:5 - Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Two conversations in particular stand out to me between Andy and I.  Last week I was really frustrated with our living arrangement.  "I want a bigger apartment with a real kitchen! I'm tired of living in this tiny apartment. We've done our fair share of living in Willingham and now it's someone else's turn to learn to accommodate to such a small space.  I'm 35 and too old to be living in married dorm housing!" (insert small child throwing a fit....)

After listening to my frustrations, commiserating a bit with me, and letting me have my fit, Andy responded, "You know, babe, if we have to spend all four of our years in Willingham then that's what we'll do.  If that's what God has for us right now, then that's what we'll do."




What do you say to that? (insert contrite child with rare understanding of the wisdom-bomb dropped on them...)

Oy.

The other conversation happened last night as we were discussing the number of "small groups" we're currently involved with and how we will manage/are managing to keep the people and schedules straight.  As Andy was sharing his thoughts and it occurred to me that this time last year we were starving for friendship and fellowship. As I marveled aloud about it (so NOT trying to lay the marital smackdown) Andy said God laid His own smackdown on Andy's heart.



(insert a sheepish child looking up to Dad for mercy...)

Oy.

I am so thankful that Yahweh is a loving and forgiving God!  I may not always like "where" I am, but I always want to be in the center of His will.  

 

Jer 29:11-14  - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD...

I've done the Jonah-thing (aka: running from His will) and it only resulted in heartache.  Oh, may I be more like Paul and continue to run after God's will!

2Ti 4:7 - I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Phl 4:12 - I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

 

Ruminations of Responsibility

Lately I have been pondering the weight of words. 

I have never truly taken much time to consider the weight words carry and the potential impact, until recently.  

Last spring I remember discussing the impact of words on children with someone; that words become imbedded within their sense of identity.  Nicknames, terms of endearment, words of admonishment and frustration, and labels remain with a child forever.  My own childhood nickname has stuck with me and I still embrace it: Nerd.  I learned to read at a young age and so I had my nose in a book whenever I could! 

But words in childhood can also negatively impact a child.  While it is difficult to not compare your children, it is even harder when you children are so distinctly different.  My sister, Denise, and I could not be more opposite in personality, appearances, and temperament.  Not that either is better, they're just different. And so it is very easy to note the differences.  

Unfortunately, a byproduct of such comparison (for me) was that I was somehow inferior to her because people remarked how pretty she was.  So if people thought she was pretty and we looked nothing alike, logically, I am not pretty.  To quote a good friend: "Please don't hear what I'm NOT saying."  My family did NOT EVER say that she was prettier or better than me.  EVER.  It was just how my mind and tender heart received the information.  My parents were always affirming and loving and told me how special I was (and they STILL do!).  To this day, I am sensitive to being compared to other women.

TANGENT! Taking this 'weight of words' on a different tack...I have most recently become aware of it in regards to social media as well.  I consistently see posts about politics, faith, ethics, and so much more on Facebook and it's made me consider how I use this medium.  

Why am I using it?  What are my goals?  Is it really that important for me to weigh in on every matter that comes up? Is this a hill worth dying for?  Are my political views so important to me that it’s worth alienating people I care about? Is this particular ethical issue important enough for me to weigh in on?  Am I brave enough to use this medium to stand up for my faith, knowing that I will alienate or offend someone?  I don’t really have answers for these questions b/c it changes every day and for each issue.

Which leads me to matters of faith.  The longer I am sitting under the instruction of tried and trusted theologians, scholars, and professors, the more I realize how little I actually do know of the Bible.  This is especially poignant for me as I taught the Bible for almost 15 years.  Now I know I never preached or taught outright heresy, but several things were not exactly on the mark.   

The weight of that responsibility has become all too clear to me now.  James talks about this...

"Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly...

 the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts... 

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom... 

the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." (vs 1, 5, 13, 17)

 As I prayerfully consider what God's call is for my life now and after seminary, I am "haunted" by the weight of my education as I speak into people's lives.  With the knowledge I have gained, there is greater responsibility:

Yeah, I went there! Because it's so true!  The word of God is a powerful thing and even a rudimentary knowledge of it carries with it a sense of responsibility.

 "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

Hebrews 4:12 

This is not to be taken lightly.  As my husband strives to get people to understand, "Words have meaning."  

If I truly desire for teenagers to know Christ, then my actions should demonstrate that desire. 

If I truly desire to share the Gospel with them and encourage them to study the Bible more deeply, then my own study should reflect that behavior.  A quick glance before a program does not do service to them or to God.  I owe it to teenagers to do my research thoroughly and present them with a well-rounded view of a passage.  That opportunity may be the first or only time they get to hear the word of God and THAT MATTERS.

If I truly desire to demonstrate the love of Christ, then my words...ALL OF MY WORDS...should reflect that desire.

This does not mean that I have to back down from my personal opinions or not defend my faith.  It does mean that I should follow Christ's in example in doing so: with respect and the desire to bring people to God.  If I am unable to do so, then I have no business weighing in on the discussion.  

If my words cannot reflect Christ, then I have no business uttering them; regardless of the topic.

Words have meaning!

 

Jehovah Jireh!

Man alive! One of the easiest/hardest things in life is to continue to trust God through the toughest moments in life.  We have all had these moments!  Times when it doesn't look like there's any way out and you will never be able to get ahead.  Times when it seems like the hits just keep on coming and there's no relief in sight.  Times when you are face to the ground, just waiting for sweet, eternal release because you are unable to bear any more.

Another easy/hard thing in life is to continue to trust God through the easier moments in life. We have also had these moments! Times when all is well! Your family is getting along, the bills are paid (there may even be a bit extra in savings), work is fun and active, and you are praising God for all the blessings he has bestowed upon you.

I heard a song that reminded me of this duality:

This song has rung in my heart all day today and I am grateful for its message speaking into my life today because it speaks to the state of my heart lately. Most everyone that knows us knows of our financial struggles over the past six months and the series of setbacks that had put us so far behind that it was looking as though we were going to have to leave New Orleans. This was not what we wanted but it seemed as though God was closing one door after another here and moving us to the next phase in his plan for us. 

Here's the best part: through this whole process we have leaned hard on each other for inspiration and comfort and we have learned to lean even harder on God, together.  I'm not saying it was always easy or that our hearts were always malleable during this time; in fact, there were times it was more like, "Okay God, what are you doing here? we don't understand! You're the one who called us down here and it seems like you've left us to flounder!"  Yes friends, there were many times when it was more of a head knowledge and trust that God would take care of us and very little heart trust.  We had to trust in facts:
          

1. Fact: Throughout the Bible, there is evidence of God's provision for his people.
1. The ram provided for Abraham in the place of his son.
2. Joseph being sold into slavery and becoming the way through which God saved his family during the famine.
3. God providing manna and quail for the Israelites during their wanderings.
4. God speaking to his people through the judges and prophets; providing them with guidance as to right living.
5. And let's not forget the BIGGIE, God sending his Son to earth to suffer death on the cross, enduring a period of separation from the Father,     and then rising again; all to act as the final sacrifice for all our sins so that we may be restored to the Father.
2. Fact: Throughout our individual lives, God has provided for both of us.
1.  For Andy (not an exhaustive list!):
1. God gave him parents who were grounded in Christ and devoted their lives to serving him in whatever capacity he asked of them. Even when that meant that Bob "had" to leave his lucrative job in broadcasting and take a part time job to support his family while he went to seminary.
2. God led Andy to join the Air Force which provided a wealth of experiences and placed him in an installation not from from the birthplace of Abraham.  Not only did God impress upon him the significance of this place, he also laid it upon Andy's heart that he would meet his wife in church.
3. God fulfilled that promise when he met me on March 20, 2011 at FBC Laurel; consequently, a church he'd only visited once or twice before and had not intended to return.
2.  For Missie (not an exhaustive list!):
1. God gave me a diverse family with a variety of experiences that have enabled me to relate to a lot of people in my life.  He impressed the significance of this opportunity upon my heart in college and has repeatedly placed hurting people in my life that needed help or encouragement, demonstrating to me that it was not all for nothing.
2. I have been serving in youth ministry for about 15 years and  a 90% of the time I was in an unpaid, full-time position.  I don't say this to brag; I say this as a statement that I knew what god had called me to do and I was going to do whether or not I would be paid for it.  This meant I had to work several part-time jobs, at times, in order to make my schedule flexible enough to accomplish what I was trying to achieve with my kids.  Financially speaking, it made my life interesting but God always provided to the point where the numbers didn't always add up but the bills were always paid!
3. About ten years ago, in the aftermath of true heartbreak, I asked God to make it abundantly and irrefutably clear who the man was that he intended for me.  There were times when I lost sight of that request and tried to make certain men fit the mold I had made up for the man I thought I wanted.  When Andy and I met, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt on our second date that this was the man God made for me.
4. During my first few years of college, I knew God was calling me to seminary and dedicated that decision to him. Sixteen years later, I am attending seminary in New Orleans!
3.  Fact: God has provided for our needs and our desires as a couple.
1. Time and again, we have been in a financial crisis this year and time and again, God has provided! It has come in many forms!
1. Academic scholarships
2. Private donations
3. Checks in the mail from friends and/or family at just the right time
4. A new job for Andy only THREE DAYS after he was unexpectedly fired
5. Unexpected income
2. Most importantly to us, God has provided a uniquely strong bond in our marriage! We constantly marvel at how in-sync our minds and hearts are despite the shortness of our courtship and our newlywed status. It is more often than not that we find ourselves thinking the same thing about a situation and we are tickled by it when one voices the very thoughts of the other.  This is not something we take lightly! We revel in the harmony it has created and the further cementing of our bond each time it happens.

When the weight of this evidence weighs on my mind, it is difficult to remain in a state of fear of how we are going to survive month to month. And yet, there have been times where we have still felt like this is never going to end! We are never going to get ahead. We are always going to be one step behind!

SO....Why am I telling you all of this! Well, I got a phone call today in response to an email to the Business Office.  I had requested our balance so that Andy and I could work out a payment plan to get us back on track to enable me to become a full-time student again by the spring.  The gentleman explained that an unexpected donation had been posted to our account from Financial Aid on Friday that set our account square!  TRANSLATION: we are no longer in debt to the seminary; we can stay in New Orleans; I can take a full load for the Spring semester; I won't get behind in my studies!

Talk about Jehovah Jireh!  God the Provider comes through again like a CHAMP!  I am humbled again and find my heart as well as my mind grateful for God's continued provision in my life.  I am also thankful to our friends and family who have been praying us through this time!  In addition to this gift, Andy made his quota for the month of November last week AND my Pampered Chef business had a GREAT kick-start last week!

         "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4:4-9

This passage  has always had great significance in my life and rings true, even tonight.  No matter WHAT is going on in your life, present it to God.  He already knows what's going on, but he wants you to pour your heart out to him in the good and the bad times.  It doesn't necessarily mean he'll fix it or that he'll fix it right away.  What it does mean is that he hears you and will give you peace when you surrender it to him. He's done it before and he'll do it again because HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS! And because of that, you can rest assure that he's got you...in all things, HE'S GOT YOU!

AMEN and AMEN!!!

Car Sales and Kitchen Sales Prayer

I know, random title. But it's on my mind right now. 
Turns out, as charismatic, outgoing, friendly, intelligent, and straightforward Andy is...car sales is not for him (his own confession!).  He is not a pushy person; in car sales you have to be a bit pushy.  He is not an aggressive person; in car sales you have to be a bit aggressive.  He believes in letting people make their own decisions; in car sales it seems you virtually have to make someone think they want certain things they actually may not.  (These are not Andy's observations, rather my own based on what I've seen of this particular dealership. It's probably not true of all car sales environments.)
This has been a learning experience for Andy but it's very stressful. Add onto that the dealership making a complete change of commission distribution that cuts their sales' staff salary in half starting this month (just before the holidays), and you get a recipe of what seems like a dismal working environment. 
It seems to be very stressful and makes me strive to keep our home as stress-less as possible so he can actually unwind when he gets home.  It also pushes me to pray for him everyday as he's on his way to work; that he would be able to walk in with a positive attitude, he is able to maintain positive relationships with coworkers, that he doesn't get all the bogues (for which he seems to be the target!), and that he makes a sale.
Which brings me to this post! Would you join with me this week in lifting Andy up this week?  With this being the last week of the month, the stress level increases to cram in as many sales as possible. In addition to this normal stress, if the salesmen don't make the 10 unit minimum for the month, their checks are docked the next month for the difference (yeah, they're that awesome).  Andy needs FOUR sales this week to make this possible and has some deals already in the works that could make that happen. 
I know Yahweh has a lot going on and this might seem inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, but this is our livelihood at stake! :) I have every faith in Andy's ability and I'm asking that God will move a mountain and make this happen.
On the kitchen sales side, I am attempting to get my Pampered Chef business off the blocks this month to help with our income! I love the company and was fairly successful in Maryland, but it has been difficult to get started in NOLA.  Still, I persevere and my prayer is that this takes off so I can help supplement our income without having to take on a full-time job!  Would you consider lifting me up in this endeavor? 
Thank you, in advance, for your prayers and your friendship!

Father God, You are an awesome God and faithful no matter how faithless your children are. Thank you for always being you. Thank you for the fulfillment of your promise in Jesus Christ, the gift of salvation, and the gift of Andy.  Father, you know our needs and our struggles.  We trust your sovereignty in our lives and truly want your will in our lives. I humbly ask for your provision of sales for Andy this week in order to provide for our needs. We trust you will bring the right people in order to make this happen.  No matter what happens, if he gets the sales or not, we trust you.  You are truly sovereign over all. We love you and it's in your precious Son's holy name name that boldly come to you. Amen.

I'm 35 already?! When did THAT happen?!

Ya'll. I was NOT prepared for this.  Then again, life rarely turns out the way we planned!  I've been pondering my life over the past week and the most prevalent emotion I feel is gratitude (you know, beyond the panic of "How much longer can I wait to start adding to our family?").  I had no idea this is where God would lead me at this point in my life.  It was my general idea early on, that I would have been married with kids by age 27.  That didn't happen. Obviously.

What actually happened was:
 - I dated 1 man after high school (and had a kinda relationship with an old friend, that wasn't really a relationship)
 - I spent ~ 7 years in college and it still took me almost 10 years to finish my undergrad.
 - I met my father and sister after my 21st birthday for the first time and it changed me forever! I dropped out of school for awhile to go live with her and get to know him.
 - I spent 2 summers serving as a summer missionary in the Mid-Atlantic and Pacific Northwest regions. It was during my summer in Idaho that God called me to move there and work with the kids in the Valley.
 - So I did just that! After my sister, Denise, got married in July 2002, I moved to Idaho with my buddies, Johnny and Joel.  We served at one church together for about 8 months at which point, I was asked to serve at another church.  What started out as a 2-year commitment, ended up as a 7-year entrenchment in the lovely LC Valley.
 - I worked at Red Lobster to pay the bills and ended up making a career out of it. It was here that I made some extraordinary friends and colleagues, grew up a bit, developed a thicker skin, and honed my leadership skills.
 - I also had the blessing and privilege to serve Warner Alliance Church as the middle school youth leader alongside two awesome youth pastors, Jon and Drew.  This church is unparalleled in their devotion to the Lord and their passion for seeking God's will in their personal lives as well as the life of the church.  Are they perfect? No.  But they do strive to glorify God in the LC Valley.  I miss them!
- It was during my time in Idaho that my big brother, Michael, passed away.  Ya'll I have not been the same person since his death. This was one of those moments in life where you are forever changed.  In some ways, the changes have been good.  In many ways, they have not.  But Yahweh is faithful and continues to help me work through my grief.  No, you never get over it. Yes, you will forever be changed. Yes, you can learn to move through and past your pain.  Thankfully, I had faithful friends who relentlessly pursued me and did not allow me to stop going to church and pushed me to fight for healing and restoration.
 - A little over a year later, I moved back to Maryland to be closer to my parents and at least one of my siblings.  Turns out, it was in vain because within six months they all moved west! LOL!
 - Within only a few months until being promoted to running my own restaurant, God pulled out the shepherd's hook and my career with Red Lobster ended.  Now, this was not necessarily a bad thing! I had the opportunity to work for my chiropractor and got to know some great people.  It opened up my schedule to get back to serving with the youth at my church.  It also led me down an unusual set of circumstances which culminated in meeting another person that forever changed the trajectory of my life!
 - Because I was no longer a restaurant manager, I had the time to take off to take my students to camp 2 summers ago.  It was at camp that I met Dr. Allen Jackson (no, not the country singer).  Upon the recommendation of my own former youth pastor, who was also at camp, I had a conversation with Dr. J about who I was, what I was doing, and where I was going (which was nowhere, fast).  The result of that conversation was applying to seminary at NOBTS!
 - The end of the summer left me working at the campground where we had gone to camp (having lost my job at the chiropractor) which left me with no job by the end of the year due to layoffs!  I was floundering with no income (other than little I was getting as the now-official youth director at church).  My parents wanted me to come to Texas and serve at their church until my move the next fall to NOLA.  I couldn't explain it, I just knew I wasn't supposed to leave MD yet!
 - Turns out, God really does know what he's doing because I met Andy a month after that conversation with my parents!  Two months later he proposed and two months after that, we were married! WHEW!
 - We moved to NOLA and haven't (really) looked back!  While I do get homesick for ID and MD sometimes, I know I am right where I'm supposed to be.

Yeah, life didn't exactly turn out the way I'd expected.  But you know what? It's so much better than I could have dreamed! Is it perfect? NO! Is Andy perfect? No. But then, neither am I and he still loves me. Someday soon, we'll expand our family and I'll have to grow up a little bit more as I learn to juggle my husband, my kids, school, and (hopefully) a ministry.  Do I know how that's all going to play out? NOT A CHANCE!  But here's the cool thing:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

God has given me a LARGE family that loves me. He has sent me on adventures where I have met extraordinary people. He has sent people into my life that have made a profound impact upon me and helped grow me into the person I am today.  He has guided my steps and carried me through the worst of my pain and danced with me during my greatest joys!  He fulfilled my greatest desire in the exact manner I asked him to: He made it overwhelmingly clear to me that Andy was the man he made especially for me, just as I asked of Him.  God has provided/is providing the means for me to better my theological education and worldview so I may better serve my students.  

Friends, herein lies my heart of gratitude! I have MUCH for which to be grateful, by mostly because I am a daughter of the Most High King.  I am His sweet princess.  He takes delight in my heart and loves me no matter what.  Forget mid-life crisis; it is in THIS, that I trust and what I cling to in my darkest moments and my greatest joys!